AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1260 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 11:55am

poddy dodger Offline
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How to install your own security system.

1. Buy a large pair of used work boots (size 14 or so) from Vinnies.
2 Place boots on front porch along with old copies of "Guns & Ammo".
3 Throw a few old bones around the yard, the larger the better.
4 Write note, as follows, and pin on front door.

G'day Bro. Me and the missus have gone to town fer more beer, back soon. Better not go inside, the dogs attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad so I've locked them inside. I don't think Killer took part but it was hard to tell from all the blood around so best wait for us on the porch, don't open the door, we'll be back soon.
Your bro.

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1261 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 4:13pm

Kingsthorpe David Offline
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poddy dodger wrote on Mar 10^th, 2010 at 11:55am:

How to install your own security system.

Security Guards are going to love this!
Have printed out and forwarded to some folks I know in Security.
Good one PD!

KD

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Reply #1262 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 7:56pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Just love life.....
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Grrr!!! Cheesy

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #1263 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 8:15pm

Kez Offline
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THE MISSING FRYING PAN

Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

Dear mother,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house. I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love peter

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with joanne, and i'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with joanne, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.

Love mum

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

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Reply #1264 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 8:16pm

Kez Offline
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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn’t that obvious? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

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Reply #1265 - Mar 10^th, 2010 at 9:43pm

Saltbush Bill Offline
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"WANTED 13 inch Metters
camp oven"
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"A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument." Undecided

SBB

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Reply #1266 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 6:47am

poddy dodger Offline
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Johnathon Brown and Brendan Fevola are having lunch in an up market Brisbane restaurant when a very attractive waitress approaches and asks if they are ready to order.
Johnathon says, " Yes, I'll have the heart smart salad, thank you". Brendan looks up from the menu and says to her, "How about a quickie ?" With that she hauls off and slaps him hard and says, "You pig, I'm going to report you," and storms off.
Johnathon leans across the table and says to Brendan,
"I believe that's pronounced quiche".

pod

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1267 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 11:00am

Michaelb Offline
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Absolutely priceless!!!
> >
> >
> > TEACHERS & COPS
> >
> > These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
> > New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
> > boy, are these funny!)
> >
> > 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and started to
> > dig.
> >
> > 2. I would not allow this student to breed.
> >
> > 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
> >
> > 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
> >
> > 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> > achieve them.
> >
> > 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
> > all together.
> >
> > 7. This child has been working with glue too much.
> >
> > 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
> >
> > 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
> >
> > 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
> > week.
> >
> > 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
> > 1,000,000 others.
> >
> > 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
> >
> > These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
> > taken off actual police car videos around the country:
> >
> > 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
> > through.'
> >
> > 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
> > after you wear them awhile.'
> >
> > 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
> > worthless document.'
> >
> > 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
> >
> > 12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
> > of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
> >
> > 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
> > anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
> >
> > 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
> > will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
> >
> >
> > 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
> > I'll give you another ticket. '
> >
> > 8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
> > not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
> >
> > 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
> > ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
> >
> >
> > 6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
> >
> >
> > 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
> >
> > 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
> >
> > 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
> > to write as many tickets as we can.'
> >
> > 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
> > yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
> >
> > AND THE WINNER IS....
> >
> > 1 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
> > Sign here..'
> >
> >
> >

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1268 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 11:48am

poddy dodger Offline
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A blonde ties her dog up outside and goes into McDonalds. A short time later a policeman comes in and asks whose dog it is tied up outside, the blonde says, "Oh that's mine", copper says, "Do you know she's in heat ?" "No" the blonde says, "I tied her up in the shade", copper says, "You don't understand, she needs to be bred", blonde says", No I never feed her bread, it's no good for dogs", Copper getting exasperated says, "The dog needs sex !," blonde looks at him and says, "Well you go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog".

pod

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1269 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 3:49pm

OzJeeper Offline
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The Cookenator - I terminate
food!
Joined: Apr 20^th, 2008 at 9:42pm
Last online: Nov 25^th, 2019 at 7:18pm

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THE OLDER CROWD

1/ A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!

2/An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'

3/ Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

4/ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

5/ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved!

6/ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

7/ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

8/ First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.....

9/ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

and finally...
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Kmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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