AUSTRALIA'S VERY OWN
CAMP OVEN COOKING IN AUSTRALIA (COCIAŽ)
AND CAMPING CHAT BOARDS
  Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register
Camp Oven Cooking In AustraliaCamp Oven Cooking In AustraliaCamp Oven Cooking In AustraliaCamp Oven Cooking In Australia
 
Registration Help COCIAŽ Forum COCIAŽ Website COCIAŽ Toolbar Download Support COCIAŽ HelpSearchLog Me InRegisterSend Message To Derek Charcoal Heat Chart COCIAŽ On YouTube Downloadable Cast Iron Recipe Book Camp Oven Seasoning  
 
Pages: 1 ... 6 7 8 9 10 ... 134
Send Topic Print
Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean (Read 31398 times)
Michaelb
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline


Where's my Dean Martin
CD and surf Rod

Joined: Nov 26th, 2008, 1:40pm

Posts: 1128

Caroline Springs, Victoria, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Aquarius
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1267 - Mar 12th, 2010, 12:00pm
 
Absolutely priceless!!!
> >
> >
> > TEACHERS & COPS
> >
> > These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
> > New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
> > boy, are these funny!)
> >
> > 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and started to
> > dig.
> >
> > 2. I would not allow this student to breed.
> >
> > 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
> >
> > 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
> >
> > 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> > achieve them.
> >
> > 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
> > all together.
> >
> > 7. This child has been working with glue too much.
> >
> > 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
> >
> > 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
> >
> > 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
> > week.
> >
> > 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
> > 1,000,000 others.
> >
> > 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
> >
> > These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
> > taken off actual police car videos around the country:
> >
> > 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
> > through.'
> >
> > 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
> > after you wear them awhile.'
> >
> > 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
> > worthless document.'
> >
> > 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
> >
> > 12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
> > of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
> >
> > 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
> > anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
> >
> > 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
> > will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
> >
> >
> > 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
> > I'll give you another ticket. '
> >
> > 8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
> > not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
> >
> > 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
> > ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
> >
> >
> > 6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
> >
> >
> > 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
> >
> > 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
> >
> > 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
> > to write as many tickets as we can.'
> >
> > 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
> > yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
> >
> > AND THE WINNER IS....
> >
> > 1 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
> > Sign here..'
> >
> >
> >
Back to top
 

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

...
 
IP Logged
 
poddy dodger
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline


I mighn't always be right
but I'm not ever wrong

Joined: Jun 3rd, 2006, 8:03am

Posts: 1562

Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1266 - Mar 12th, 2010, 7:47am
 
Johnathon Brown and Brendan Fevola are having lunch in an up market Brisbane restaurant when  a very attractive waitress approaches and asks if they are ready to order.
Johnathon says, " Yes, I'll have the heart smart salad, thank you". Brendan looks up from the menu and says to her, "How about a quickie ?" With that she hauls off and slaps him hard and says, "You pig, I'm going to report you," and storms off.
Johnathon leans across the table and says to Brendan,
"I believe that's pronounced quiche".

pod
Back to top
 

...
 
IP Logged
 
Saltbush Bill
COCIAŽ Platinum Member
****
Offline


I Love COCIA

Joined: Dec 6th, 2008, 5:57pm

Posts: 970

Lismore, New South Wales, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Cancer
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1265 - Mar 10th, 2010, 10:43pm
 
"A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument." Undecided Undecided
SBB
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Advertisement
Saltbush Lil
COCIAŽ Gold Member
***
Offline



Joined: Apr 13th, 2009, 8:50am

Posts: 348

Lismore, New South Wales, Australia
Gender: female
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1264 - Mar 10th, 2010, 9:16pm
 
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn’t that obvious? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Back to top
 

...
                                         

 
IP Logged
 
Saltbush Lil
COCIAŽ Gold Member
***
Offline



Joined: Apr 13th, 2009, 8:50am

Posts: 348

Lismore, New South Wales, Australia
Gender: female
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1263 - Mar 10th, 2010, 9:15pm
 
THE MISSING FRYING PAN

Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

Dear mother,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house. I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love peter

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with joanne, and i'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with joanne, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.

Love mum


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Back to top
 

...
                                         

 
IP Logged
 
Crazy Dog
COCIAŽ Platinum Member
****
Offline


Just love life.....

Joined: Dec 23rd, 2007, 6:30pm

Posts: 884

Cairns FNQ, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Cancer
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1262 - Mar 10th, 2010, 8:56pm
 
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.  He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"  
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."  
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"  
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:  
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."  

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.  Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"  


Grrr!!! Cheesy Grin
Back to top
 

...
I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!
 
IP Logged
 
Advertisement
Kingsthorpe David
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline



Joined: Oct 6th, 2008, 12:00pm

Posts: 1911

Kingsthorpe Qld 4400, Queensland, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Aries
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1261 - Mar 10th, 2010, 5:13pm
 
poddy dodger wrote on Mar 10th, 2010, 12:55pm:
How to install your own security system.

Security Guards are going to love this!
Have printed out and forwarded to some folks I know in Security.
Good one PD!

KD
Back to top
 

"Good, better, best -
never let it rest -
till your good is better -
and your better, best. "

 
IP Logged
 
poddy dodger
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline


I mighn't always be right
but I'm not ever wrong

Joined: Jun 3rd, 2006, 8:03am

Posts: 1562

Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1260 - Mar 10th, 2010, 12:55pm
 
How to install your own security system.

1. Buy a large pair of used work boots (size 14 or so)  from Vinnies.
2 Place boots on front porch along with old copies of "Guns & Ammo".
3 Throw a few old bones around the yard, the larger the better.
4 Write note, as follows, and pin on front door.

G'day Bro. Me and the missus have gone to town fer more beer, back soon. Better not go inside, the dogs attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad so I've locked them inside. I don't think Killer took part but it was hard to tell from all the blood around so best wait for us on the porch, don't open the door, we'll be back soon.
Your bro.

Back to top
 

...
 
IP Logged
 
TBF
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline


COG Tart

Joined: Jul 14th, 2006, 10:26pm

Posts: 2365

JOYNER, SE QUEENSLAND, Queensland, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Cancer
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1259 - Mar 10th, 2010, 11:00am
 
Michaelb wrote on Mar 10th, 2010, 8:16am:
Subject: Fw: Sunday afternoon 'quickie'


Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Embarrassed

Aart
Back to top
 

...
 
IP Logged
 
Advertisement
Michaelb
COCIAŽ Diamond Member
*****
Offline


Where's my Dean Martin
CD and surf Rod

Joined: Nov 26th, 2008, 1:40pm

Posts: 1128

Caroline Springs, Victoria, Australia
Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Zodiac sign: Aquarius
Re: Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean
Reply #1258 - Mar 10th, 2010, 8:16am
 
Subject: Fw: Sunday afternoon 'quickie'



The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their
8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called
out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.



Back to top
 

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

...
 
IP Logged
 
Pages: 1 ... 6 7 8 9 10 ... 134
Send Topic Print