AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1050 - Jun 24^th, 2009 at 1:08am

Duncan MacDuff Offline
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Little_Kopit wrote on Jun 21^st, 2009 at 12:18am:

JESUS SAVES....

...and Jordan takes the ball.

Grin

In Service,
Duncan

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Reply #1051 - Jun 24^th, 2009 at 8:32am

Duncan MacDuff Offline
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you SERIOUS???
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last, but not least,

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

In Service,
Duncan

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Reply #1052 - Jun 24^th, 2009 at 4:06pm

Michaelb Offline
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Keith had been in Police work for 38 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the outback as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Keith, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops 'Gotta warn you. 'Gonna be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Keith. 'After 25 years in the Police, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, Cliff the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More
'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

Again, Cliff the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Keith, warming
to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. I am that horny I could root the hair on a barber’s floor.
By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1053 - Jun 26^th, 2009 at 1:07pm

OzJeeper Offline
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food!
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Be careful what you wish for!!

40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the
world with my darling husband .’

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all
very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a
wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember that fairies are female......

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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Reply #1054 - Jun 30^th, 2009 at 12:24pm

Rastas000 Offline
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SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

(FRIGHTENING !)
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fatar_e.JPG (40 KB | )

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1055 - Jun 30^th, 2009 at 6:12pm

Michaelb Offline
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"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, and pleased to strike a blow against the Irish stereotype,
the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs' legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in Bunnings you Dickhead

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1056 - Jul 1^st, 2009 at 10:40am

Crazy Dog Offline
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The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Grrr!!! Cheesy

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #1057 - Jul 1^st, 2009 at 1:58pm

Michaelb Offline
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Crazy Dog wrote on Jul 1^st, 2009 at 10:40am:

'Get in line.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1058 - Jul 5^th, 2009 at 7:25pm

Saltbush Bill Offline
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Have no idea if this is true but here it is.................Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very Polite car park attendant with a ticket machine.
The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.
On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.
The Council said "That car park is your responsibility."
The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?"
The Council said "What attendant?"
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park
Fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!
Circa £2.8 million……….cash. Shocked

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Reply #1059 - Jul 5^th, 2009 at 7:37pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Now that IS smart..

I dips me lid...

Grrr!!!
Why didn't I think of that.... Undecided

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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