There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to love this)


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


Aart

1.  The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .



3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit
me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,

'No change yet.'

BILL GATES AND GMH:

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!


Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

   

Two old men decided they were getting close to their last days and decided to have a lost night out on the town.  After a few drinks they ended up at the local brothel.

The Madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.  These two are so drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.  They won't know the difference."

The manager did what he was told and the two old men went upstairs and took care of their business.

As they walked home the first man said, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?", said his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"  "Why would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite.... Then, she farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her