AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1080 - Aug 22^nd, 2009 at 10:15pm

Michaelb Offline
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Kez wrote on Aug 19^th, 2009 at 1:37pm:

Two old men

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1081 - Aug 24^th, 2009 at 3:31pm

Michaelb Offline
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The wisdom of Larry the TRUE BLUE......

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13.... OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1082 - Aug 24^th, 2009 at 6:15pm

TBF Offline
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Michaelb wrote on Aug 24^th, 2009 at 3:31pm:

The wisdom of Larry the TRUE BLUE......

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Reply #1083 - Aug 29^th, 2009 at 7:36pm

sooty Offline
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RURAL LOGIC..............IN ALL ITS CLARITY!!!!

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain't F'n our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

I started out with nothing and still have most of it

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Reply #1084 - Aug 29^th, 2009 at 8:47pm

poddy dodger Offline
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A young catholic couple were on their way to get married in the local church when tragically they were killed in a terrible car accident. When they arrived at the pearly gates they asked St Peter if he could arrange for their wedding to go ahead, in heaven. He replied he could see no reason why not and left to make arrangements.
The young couple waited for a week then two and still no sign of St Peter. They then started discussing the possibility of the marriage not working out and should they ask about a divorce so two weeks later when St Peter arrived back and told them everything was set to go they expressed to him their concerns and that if the marriage was not successful would a divorce in heaven be a possibility, with this St Peter threw his clipboard down and yelled, " It took me four flamin' weeks to find a priest in heaven, what bloody chance do you think I'll have of finding a lawyer ?"

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1085 - Aug 30^th, 2009 at 10:23pm

TBF Offline
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Thanks PD

Aart

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Reply #1086 - Aug 31^st, 2009 at 11:37am

Michaelb Offline
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Ear Infection.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ' A nd what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1087 - Aug 31^st, 2009 at 11:41am

Michaelb Offline
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The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)

'THE TEETH..'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1088 - Sep 2^nd, 2009 at 7:59am

Michaelb Offline
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10 Ways to start a fight
1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ......

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a MIDGET!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly ..I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1089 - Sep 2^nd, 2009 at 8:11am

Michaelb Offline
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The Last Coin
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 ten cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts
Slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
Business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
Coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
Counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
Restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and Then
ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
Coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
And walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've Never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
You a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office ..'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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