Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;  he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. 
The  bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. 
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10  years.
   
"Well,  it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 
   
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike there. 
     
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."  "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who ! says anything during dinner has to do the  dishes."
"No  problem," he says. And in they go. 
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. 
In  the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.  Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. 
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and scr***s her right there, in front of her parents.  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. 

He  looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. 
   
All  of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.  Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing  dishes!"

Have a nice day
Skip
 

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder ,and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His mate asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he was looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth"
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth,can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again,and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"
The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
" Nice mouf,can I thee her tw*t?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the breeder grabs him under the arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that."
"Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit!"


Have a nice day
Skip

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,



3 hours later I saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.



Thought to myself - they've lost the bloody plot

King  Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the Monarch offered him his freedom, as
long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a
year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
Monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the Princess,
the Priests, the Wise Men and even the Court Jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old Witch, for only she would have
the answer.
But the price would be high; as the Witch was famous throughout the
Kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to
the Witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree
to her price first.
The old Witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights
of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene farty noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the Witch answered Arthur's question

thus:

What a Woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life, and everybody else's too.
Everyone in the Kingdom instantly knew that the Witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring Monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful Woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a Witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half
the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or  night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an
old Witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous Witch during the day, but by
night, a beautiful Woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?


What would YOU do?



What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you

scroll down below.









Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.


Now....what is the moral to this story?







The  moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!

Have a great Day Everyone
All the best
Skip

MR MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the
door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under
his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very largetrucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt
front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:





(Wait for it)






'You not Nissan Main Deala?'


All the best
Skip