AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1140 - Nov 24^th, 2009 at 7:45am

Michaelb Offline
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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the --ck--g Post Office, you wanker."

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1141 - Nov 24^th, 2009 at 1:31pm

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1142 - Nov 25^th, 2009 at 11:08am

Michaelb Offline
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Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 Milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no Pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.....

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her Friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy.... The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given and considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the Million Dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the Contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1143 - Nov 25^th, 2009 at 1:30pm

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the
little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the
hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and
see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise
crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk
with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now,
son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on
your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really
going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the
neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the
baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful
little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment,
was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little
feet.

Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor
said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if
he needed to wear glasses"

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1144 - Nov 25^th, 2009 at 8:51pm

sooty Offline
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Mackay C.Q.
Joined: Jul 1^st, 2006 at 8:20pm
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the
urban poor is BASKETBALL..

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

and....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it

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Reply #1145 - Nov 26^th, 2009 at 9:46pm

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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T-shirt bearing the following was seen....

"Tits like Coconuts" on the front

and

"Sparrows like Breadcrumbs"

on the back.

Bet you thought it was rude....

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1146 - Nov 29^th, 2009 at 5:49am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
Joined: Jan 27^th, 2009 at 6:33am
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This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 36. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1147 - Nov 29^th, 2009 at 6:29am

poddy dodger Offline
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Paddy, on his way home from the boozer after closing time passes a dark doorway and a female voice says, " Do you want a girl, $30 ?" and he thinks, "Why not", so they get into it and before they can finish a bright light shines on them and a voice says, "Police here, what's going on ?" Paddy says, "Do ya mind officer, I'm making love to my wife", the copper says, "Sorry, I didn't know", and Paddy says, "No, neither did I until you shone the light on her face".
pd.

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1148 - Nov 29^th, 2009 at 8:08am

Robbo Offline
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COCIA....its a sickness
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Love it PD

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #1149 - Nov 30^th, 2009 at 4:03am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
Joined: Jan 27^th, 2009 at 6:33am
Last online: Mar 5^th, 2024 at 11:48am

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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