AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1160 - Dec 11^th, 2009 at 10:58pm

JoeB Offline
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Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn
as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it
was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

4 - 5 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the
oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the
table, it's done and ready to eat.

And, you thought I couldn't cook ...

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Reply #1161 - Dec 12^th, 2009 at 4:30am

Cactus Offline
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Two SEQ's met at a market day one was carring a bag over his shoulder, whats in the bag the other said, chickens came the reply,if I guess how many there are in the bag will you give me one. If you can guess how many I will give them both to you. Five came the reply.

Have Camp Oven will travel

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Reply #1162 - Dec 12^th, 2009 at 5:30pm

JoeB Offline
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE:    Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:    All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE:    Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggies. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE:    The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE:    Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan.

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Reply #1163 - Dec 13^th, 2009 at 4:44pm

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and
their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1164 - Dec 14^th, 2009 at 10:59am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
Joined: Jan 27^th, 2009 at 6:33am
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LITTLE JOHNNY
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Roll Eyes

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #1165 - Dec 14^th, 2009 at 1:17pm

Cactus Offline
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The nurse rushes in to the doctor and says there is a man in the waiting room who thinks he is a billiard ball. the doctor says I will see him first put him in front of the que.

Have Camp Oven will travel

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Reply #1166 - Dec 14^th, 2009 at 4:10pm

JoeB Offline
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A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said. 'Stand in the corner.'

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh, it's just a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.'

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

'Here,' he said to the 'statue'. 'Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.'

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Reply #1167 - Dec 14^th, 2009 at 4:19pm

JoeB Offline
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,    take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear.
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' Calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said.
'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'yes, it is.' I then asked, 'can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front. ‘I asked. ‘What’s your name?' He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen’, I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.' I said.
   'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up). He asked, 'are you still there?' I said. 'Yeah!' He screamed. 'Stop calling me,' I said. 'Make me'. He asked.
'Who are you’? I said. 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said.
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said. 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front’. He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said. 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole’. And hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said. 'Hello?' I said,
'Hello, asshole’. He yelled. 'If I ever find out who you are...’ I said you'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered.    'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blv. in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax… I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax... I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

   NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

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Reply #1168 - Dec 14^th, 2009 at 4:23pm

69conroy Offline
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how to catcht a polar bear
go to north pole thats where polar bears are at !
take saw,frozen peas
find nice spot ,cut hole in ice
put peas around hole 1" apart
when bear comes down for pea
kick in ice hole Cool

i was told this by dad when about 7/8 yrs old
still gets laugh Cheesy

but bit weak

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Reply #1169 - Dec 15^th, 2009 at 3:22pm

Michaelb Offline
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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Mushrooms, Black Pudding, Beans, Sausage & Tomato with toasted brown bread and freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, '#**k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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