Comfort with BMW

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose? Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Be Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting...”

A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have"

"Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model."

"It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised."

" We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman.

"I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof."

"But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car."

"Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."

Gentle Thoughts

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement  .


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.' 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt  . 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.' 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.



Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth..AMEN!

And we keep making fun of our Sa3eedy Jokes  It all Happened on this trip




ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
 
TWO 

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
  PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

PONDERISMS




I used to eat a lot of natural foods
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. 
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken?
I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?