AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1190 - Jan 12^th, 2010 at 10:18am

Michaelb Offline
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Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1191 - Jan 13^th, 2010 at 7:36pm

skiproosel Offline
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PLEASE GIVE ME A PUSH!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

All the best
Skip Smiley

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Reply #1192 - Jan 14^th, 2010 at 7:40am

Michaelb Offline
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The Gay Cowboy!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

I didn't see it coming, either!

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1193 - Jan 14^th, 2010 at 9:16am

TBF Offline
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I expected the Gay Cowboy to come home with the drunk cowboy Cheesy

Aart

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Reply #1194 - Jan 15^th, 2010 at 6:34pm

Lady_Joanella Offline
COCIA Hall Of Fame
DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
YOU THINK!!!
Joined: Jan 8^th, 2008 at 8:33am
Last online: Dec 4^th, 2013 at 7:48pm

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..
as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a
rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late
and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed,
he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the
road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads
towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this
is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and
my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a
phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;
I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest
clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see
what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks
worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a
transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he
climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his
grand piano. For it is here that he has always found
solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand
twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob
both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)

LJW

"Friends make the best Collectables."

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Reply #1195 - Jan 15^th, 2010 at 7:33pm

poddy dodger Offline
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On an interstate flight a middle aged bloke finds himself sitting next to a very young girl who is reading a book. After take-off he says to her, "Would you like to talk, it'll make the trip go a lot quicker."
She replies, "Yes, that'd be good, what would you like to talk about"
He's a bit of a smart ar*e so he says ,"Why don't we talk about the proliferation of nuclear weapons ?"
She sits there for a moment and then says,"OK, but first answer me a question, why is it that cows, horses and sheep all eat grass but horse poo is big and tennis ball size, sheep poo is little pellets and cow poo is large, flat and pancake size ?"
He thinks for a minute and confesses he doesn't know.
She says, "Well you don't know sh*t !" and returns to her book .

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1196 - Jan 15^th, 2010 at 7:40pm

skiproosel Offline
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Clap Twice

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh!t."

Skip Smiley

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Reply #1197 - Jan 16^th, 2010 at 6:57pm

Kez Offline
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Years of Devotion - Prayers at the West Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'

'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. '

'I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a f#@$ing brick wall.'

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Reply #1198 - Jan 16^th, 2010 at 7:03pm

Kez Offline
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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to p**s on our hands.
__________________

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Reply #1199 - Jan 18^th, 2010 at 7:55am

Michaelb Offline
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Proofreading is a dying art

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
   No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
   Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
   You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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