Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #120 - May 1^st, 2008 at 6:32pm

skiproosel Offline
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A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his pe*is, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

Have a great day
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Reply #121 - May 1^st, 2008 at 6:33pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot... would a pair be beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set is teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the singular is this, and the plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be kese?
Then one may be that, and three be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim.
So our English, I think you will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #122 - May 1^st, 2008 at 6:37pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."

My wife -- we have no sex life. Her favorite position is back-to-back.

When I got divorced, that was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. Abe Lincoln said all men are created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Weight, it's always been a problem. When I'm hungry, I don't think right. The other day, I woke up, had a craving for nuts. So, I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

If sex is a pain in the a$$, you're doing it wrong.

I'm getting old. At my age, with sex I like a threesome - in case one of us dies.

Why am I talking about sex for? I got no sex life; I'm old. I tried a Viagra pill -- my tongue got hard.

I got a dog, a cocker spaniel. He swallowed a Viagra pill -- now he's a pointer.

My wedding day, that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on, she gave me the wrong finger.

When we got married, I told my wife I like sex twice a day -- she said, "Me, too." Now we never see each other.

I found out my wife is faking orgasms -- four of my friends told me.

Last week my wife told me we were going to have Olympic sex. You know, once every 4 years.

With my wife, I gave up. The other night, I told her, "You win, you're the boss. When it comes to sex, it'll be in your hands." She said, "You're wrong, it'll be in your hands."

My wife, she can't cook at all. At my home, the roaches go out to eat

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #123 - May 1^st, 2008 at 6:54pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather
> dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
>
> He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
> although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
> "Sorry, do you know me?"
>
> She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
> one of my children!"
>
> His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
> "Christ!" he says "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I
> shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
> whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my @r@e?"
>
> "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"!!!!!!

cid_017401c784cc69c2fe100100000aHENNINGSEN_006.gif (32 KB | )

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #124 - May 2^nd, 2008 at 5:38pm

skiproosel Offline
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Gotta Luv 'em

Four old boys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly
to the golf course, meet his three other chums and play a round.

His pals all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the first tee.

The first bloke says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

His playing partner says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She's up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The Number 3 bloke says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car -reading the manual."

They all turned to the last fella in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up this morning, slapped my wife smartly on the backside and said, 'Well dear, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
She said: "Take a warm sweater." Grin

All the best
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Reply #125 - May 2^nd, 2008 at 7:04pm

Carolyn™ Offline
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What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.



Well, for example, the other day my husband and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.



So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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Reply #126 - May 3^rd, 2008 at 11:58am

skiproosel Offline
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American - v - English
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio
conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British
authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by
the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off

Makes you wonder doesn't it-

All the best
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Reply #127 - May 3^rd, 2008 at 2:34pm

Carolyn™ Offline
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I GOT THIS IN AN EMAIL THOUGHT IT CLEVER BUT DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT MY POLITICAL PREFERENCES

KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the >
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.

1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said RUDD” that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD” that’s what we would call great
loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
RUDD searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

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Reply #128 - May 3^rd, 2008 at 3:13pm

Derek Offline
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HARRY'S AMBITION

Harry’s ambition in life was to be a chicken farmer and he worked and saved to achieve his goal.
On the evening that Harry and his wife moved into their new farm they celebrated with one too many bottles of wine and they crawled into bed to sleep it off.
Harry kissed his wife and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep.
All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry and I’ve just achieved my life’s ambition to be a chicken farmer "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "we only have a position for a dog or a hen.
You will have to choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run on his new farm and really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' a beautiful egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" and all the chickens gathered around and they all clucked and cheered Harry on he felt so proud. So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground all the chickens clucked ecstatically.

Then he heard in the distance the faint call of his wife “Harry” then a little louder “Harry” then very loud "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you've crapped all over the bed!"

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Reply #129 - May 3^rd, 2008 at 3:19pm

Derek Offline
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In the photo below, what did Prince Phillip do. Grin

WhatDidPhilip_Do.jpg (84 KB | )

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