Disgracing the family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and her grandmother was concerned.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "Then he is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace your family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.   As she looks about the store, she notices a cage FULL of frogs.  The sign says:   'SEX FROGS'
   
Only $20 each!  Each one comes with 'complete set of instructions'.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.   
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,  'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,  'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified on the list:
1 Take a shower.
2 Splash on some nice perfume.
3 Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4 Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens!   
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,  'If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.   
The man says, 'I'll be right over.'   
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . .  looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:

NOW LISTEN TO ME!! 
I'm only going to show you how to do this just ONE MORE TIME!!!

NO! 

Daryl

Yep Michaelb, just like being married !

A middle aged single executive named Neville decide he'd had enough of the rat race so he bought a very remote property in outback Queensland and retired there. Several months later he saw a dust cloud rising along his access road and soon enough a battered ute arrived and an equally battered bloke gets out and offers his hand,
He says,"G'day, I'm Bill your nearest neighbour, I live forty K's west and I thought I'd drop over and invite you to a barby Saturday night.
Neville says,"Great, love to come."
Bill says, "I hope you like a bit of drinkin' and maybe a few tokes and later in the night a snort or two".
Neville says,"Yeah, I'm up for that"
Bill then says, " Well you never know, a bit later things could get a bit, er, you know, amorous are you interested ?"
Neville says," Yeah after a few months out here by myself I'm willing, what do I have to bring and what'll I wear ?"
Bill says, "Don't go to any trouble, come as you are, there'll only be you'n me there."


pod

A man was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane when the man turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book to relax and read, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the man. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The man, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Well then, do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $h1t?