AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1270 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 5:24pm

poddy dodger Offline
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3, 4 and especially 5 all sound about right to me.

pod

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1271 - Mar 12^th, 2010 at 6:36pm

Kez Offline
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Fancy Dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party..
He doesn ' t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate ' s outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk ' s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now , because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. Cheesy

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Reply #1272 - Mar 14^th, 2010 at 7:35am

Michaelb Offline
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LOL

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1273 - Mar 15^th, 2010 at 11:28am

Michaelb Offline
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I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello and he's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1274 - Mar 15^th, 2010 at 11:33am

Michaelb Offline
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Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned

With tea and
scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1275 - Mar 15^th, 2010 at 2:37pm

Michaelb Offline
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Subject: Flying economy class

> >> A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
> >> got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
> >>
> >> The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
> >>
> >> She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to
> >> her Economy seat.
> >>
> >> The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
> >> Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
> >>
> >> The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and
> >> co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who
> >> belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
> >>
> >> The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that,
> >> because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an
> >> Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
> >>
> >> The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
> >> Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
> >>
> >> Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he
> >> probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
> >> the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
> >>
> >> "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde,
> >> so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
> >>
> >> The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
> >>
> >> She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved
> >> back to her seat in Economy.
> >>
> >> The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he
> >> said to make her move without any fuss.
> >>
> >> The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1276 - Mar 15^th, 2010 at 3:36pm

Michaelb Offline
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When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1277 - Mar 26^th, 2010 at 7:49am

poddy dodger Offline
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A man and a woman who are strangers to each other, find themselves allocated the same sleeping compartment on the Indian-Pacific through a booking mistake. Both tired after a long day they decide to retire for the night, he in the top bunk and her in the lower bunk.

During the night he wakes up and says to her,

"I'm cold, can you open the cupboard and pass me up a blanket ?"

After a moment she comes back and says,
"Just for tonight lets pretend we're married."

As his expectations soar she says.
"Get your own friggin' blanket !!"

After several minutes he lets go the longest fart you've ever heard.

pod

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1278 - Mar 26^th, 2010 at 5:50pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Just love life.....
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We do it BIG UP HERE EH BUT!!!!

North Queenslander is drinking in a Brisbane Pub when he gets a call on
his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning
from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he
wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating. 'Well' he
announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland baby boy
weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the guy
from the North just shrugs, 'That's about average up there.

Like I said, my boy is a typical North Queensland boy.'

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
'STREWTH' were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the North Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender
says 'You're the father of that typical NQ baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were
going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'. The bartender is puzzled and
concerned.

'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ...

'Had him circumcised!'

Grrr!!! Cheesy

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #1279 - Mar 28^th, 2010 at 7:40am

Kez Offline
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Dirty Trick
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands Naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the Next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?" Huh

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