AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1280 - Mar 28^th, 2010 at 3:51pm

poddy dodger Offline
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A little old lady goes to her local GP for the removal of some small sun cancers. As he is preparing her he pulls on some latex gloves and says,
"You know how they make these ? They have a big vat of liquid latex in the factory and the staff dip their hands in , pull 'em out, peal off the latex and throw it into the appropiate box, small medium or large.
He starts the procedure and the LOL starts to laugh, he asks what she finds funny, she says,

"Do they make condoms the same way ?"

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1281 - Mar 29^th, 2010 at 7:47am

Michaelb Offline
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NUDIST MEMBERSHIP

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wonder around the area.

A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly, pulled him to her and happily let him have his way
with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

You must be new' answered the hairy man.

It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had is way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist,

May I help you?' she asked.

Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.

But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.

Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.

I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day . . . . . I'm outta here.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1282 - Apr 2^nd, 2010 at 8:46am

poddy dodger Offline
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Late one night a security guard doing his rounds spots two old ladies sitting in a car in a used car yard, he goes over to them and says,
"Excuse me ladies, what are you doing here at this time of night ?"
One of the LOLs says,
"My son said if we bought a car here we'd get screwed so we're waiting........."

pod

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1283 - Apr 7^th, 2010 at 8:16pm

Bonnie Offline
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Tap on the shoulder.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question, and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said, are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the living day light out of me.
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the drive and said he didn’t realize that a mere tap on shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, no, no I’m the one who is sorry; it’s entirely my fault!
Today is my very first day driving a cub I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

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Reply #1284 - Apr 19^th, 2010 at 4:11pm

Michaelb Offline
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Whether
Conservative, Liberal
Or
Labour , I think
You'll get
A kick out of
This!

A little boy goes to his
Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
Family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care
Of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
Consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
See if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
Off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
Hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby
Has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
To his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
He goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
Little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
About.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep ####.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1285 - Apr 21^st, 2010 at 1:22pm

Michaelb Offline
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-
attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.
'You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.!
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that
all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,!
doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1286 - Apr 25^th, 2010 at 7:47pm

TBF Offline
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Aussie stockmans honeymoon

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Aart

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Reply #1287 - May 1^st, 2010 at 1:27pm

Lady_Joanella Offline
COCIA Hall Of Fame
DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
YOU THINK!!!
Joined: Jan 8^th, 2008 at 8:33am
Last online: Dec 4^th, 2013 at 7:48pm

Posts: 260

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfPgSzcu9RY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7mTFsyee34&feature=related

sorry if you have seen before - still might have brought a smile to your dial.

LJW

"Friends make the best Collectables."

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Reply #1288 - May 7^th, 2010 at 2:58pm

poddy dodger Offline
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An old bloke I know has a property in outback Queensland and a couple of K's from the homestead is a lovely billabong. A while ago he planted several fruit trees there and over the years they've done well so one evening he got a bucket and took off down there to pick some fruit. As he approached the billabong he can hear a lot of splashing and laughing and when he gets there he sees half a dozen young women skinny dipping. They see him and tell him he's only there watch them and they're not coming out of the water until he goes. He says, no, not true and waving the bucket he has he says,

"I'm only here to feed the crocs."

The moral is us oldies can still think quick if need be.

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1289 - May 12^th, 2010 at 6:16am

Carolyn™ Offline
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FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
Joined: Jan 3^rd, 2008 at 7:00am
Last online: Jul 10^th, 2013 at 8:12am

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He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. .. They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

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