Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #130 - May 4^th, 2008 at 5:16pm

skiproosel Offline
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That's the way it is

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you
are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it,
Asshole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now,isn't that a sweet story!

Have a nice day everyone
Regards Skip

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Reply #131 - May 4^th, 2008 at 6:03pm

astroboy Offline
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An irishman was run over and killed by a truck full of oysters.
The headlines in the paper the next day said......................................
"OYSTERS KILL PATRICK"
Ho Ho Ho
Not bad for my first, what do ya reckon?

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Reply #132 - May 4^th, 2008 at 7:22pm

skiproosel Offline
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Not too bad Astro Grin

keep 'em coming and you'll be spinnin' pearlers before you know it.
Good job

Regards Skip

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Reply #133 - May 6^th, 2008 at 7:15am

skiproosel Offline
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Drink and be Happy

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day everyone!

Regards Skip

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Reply #134 - May 7^th, 2008 at 7:33pm

skiproosel Offline
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Police arrest ET in Arkansas

The truth was he met this gorgeous female Genie who granted him one wish-well he felt really attracted to her and asked for a little head. Poof he got it alright!

Have a nice day
Skip

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Reply #135 - May 8^th, 2008 at 3:55am

Robbo Offline
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THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake).
LOCATION: Throughout the world.
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TORNIQUE: Do not apply a tornique as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #136 - May 8^th, 2008 at 6:56am

skiproosel Offline
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Stolen thanks Robbo! Grin

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Have a nice day
Skip

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Reply #137 - May 8^th, 2008 at 6:34pm

skiproosel Offline
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VIAGRA

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you " said the chemist "But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96 " said the old man .

"I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "

Have a great day
Skip

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Reply #138 - May 9^th, 2008 at 9:08am

Crazy Dog Offline
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Just love life.....
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #139 - May 9^th, 2008 at 10:26am

rossco Offline
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Did you hear about the little canibal kid ??
He was eight before he was seven.

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