Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1310 - Jun 18^th, 2010 at 3:17pm

sooty Offline
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes." Roll Eyes

I started out with nothing and still have most of it

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Reply #1311 - Jun 21^st, 2010 at 8:49am

Michaelb Offline
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into the Liverpool Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1312 - Jun 29^th, 2010 at 9:15am

Little_Kopit Offline
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A Cow, an Ant, & an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

Tongue

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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Reply #1313 - Jun 30^th, 2010 at 8:17am

Michaelb Offline
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TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1314 - Jun 30^th, 2010 at 12:28pm

skiproosel Offline
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It's a dog's life

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found

that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and

get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're

going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Skip Smiley

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Reply #1315 - Jun 30^th, 2010 at 3:02pm

Michaelb Offline
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Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my

Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry

it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do

you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but

which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1316 - Jul 7^th, 2010 at 11:04am

Lady_Joanella Offline
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This should appeal to those who have experienced "the tests"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc

LJW

"Friends make the best Collectables."

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Reply #1317 - Jul 13^th, 2010 at 7:38pm

skiproosel Offline
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Who Put The Dog Out ...

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not #### in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Have a good week everyone
Regards Skip Smiley

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Reply #1318 - Jul 14^th, 2010 at 12:19pm

Michaelb Offline
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OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1319 - Jul 14^th, 2010 at 1:55pm

TBF Offline
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Michaelb wrote on Jul 14^th, 2010 at 12:19pm:

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

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