Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1330 - Aug 12^th, 2010 at 8:25pm

Mook Offline
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i dig for cooking only
Joined: Jul 29^th, 2010 at 8:24pm
Last online: Jun 19^th, 2013 at 1:01pm

near Broken Hill, New South Wales, Australia

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a bloke walked in to the Psychiatrist's office wrapped in glad wrap

the receptionists said you don't need to see the doctor even i can see your nuts

Smiley

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Reply #1331 - Aug 13^th, 2010 at 3:01pm

poddy dodger Offline
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After a lot of years of unhappy marriage a bloke's nagging whinging wife finally leaves him. To celebrate he lashes out and buys himself a new two door Merc, a couple of weeks later he takes off for an evening drive and before he knows it is cruising down the Hume Highway well over the speed limit. Sure enough he hears a siren and looking in his mirror sees blue and red flashing lights so he pulls over. The highway patrolman comes up to his door and asks for his licence, after looking at it he says.
"It's Friday the 13th, I've had a long sh*tt* day and I'm just going back to the station to knock off and the last thing I need is more paperwork, give me an excuse I haven't heard before and I'll let you go".
The bloke sits there for a moment before he says.
"My missus ran off with a copper a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was you bringing her back".
Copper walked back to his car and took of without another word.

PD

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1332 - Aug 13^th, 2010 at 4:22pm

Michaelb Offline
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Last online: Jul 4^th, 2023 at 8:45am

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You have spent all day preparing a

Dinner party for 8 - $250.00 ...

Wine for guests - $280 00 ...

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all

settling down for

a nice relaxing

evening dinner,

Then

In

Walks

The

Dog

.....

.....

The_dog.bmp (232 KB | )

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1333 - Aug 30^th, 2010 at 7:06am

skiproosel Offline
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Sharks

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh1t inside!"

Skip

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Reply #1334 - Aug 30^th, 2010 at 7:13am

skiproosel Offline
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LOVE THE ITALIANS & THEIR FOOD

Italian Confession



   An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

   When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:



      "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

   neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."



      The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."



   "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."



      The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."



   "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."



      "And what is that?" asked the priest.

   -

   -

   -- "Should I tell her the war is over?''

Have a great day everyone

Skip Smiley

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Reply #1335 - Aug 30^th, 2010 at 7:19am

skiproosel Offline
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MEOW MEOW MEOW

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank goodness," he says. "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Skip Smiley

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Reply #1336 - Sep 2^nd, 2010 at 12:09pm

Michaelb Offline
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police officer stops them and says:

"Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German driver asks.

"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fo*k*n automobile" , the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"

"You canta pulla thata one on me !" says the Italian policeman.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are therefore breakinge the lawe!"

The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" the Italian says,

"He cantta comea. He'sa buzy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1337 - Sep 9^th, 2010 at 11:11am

Michaelb Offline
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Do you fart in bed?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD,LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS?
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'SHABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRSWHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN�

�

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1338 - Sep 10^th, 2010 at 9:50am

Michaelb Offline
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about ��50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the ��50.00 and handed it to her along with a ��10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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Reply #1339 - Sep 10^th, 2010 at 9:50am

Michaelb Offline
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

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