Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1340 - Sep 10^th, 2010 at 11:53am

TBF Offline
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Michaelb wrote on Sep 10^th, 2010 at 9:50am:

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

'Your house!'

Thanks Michaelb

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Reply #1341 - Sep 10^th, 2010 at 6:06pm

poddy dodger Offline
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You hear about the bloke who drowned in a bowl of muesli ?
A strong currant pulled him in.

PD

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1342 - Sep 10^th, 2010 at 6:49pm

Saltbush Bill Offline
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That reminds me of the Baker who got electricuted ....he sat on a bun and a current ran up his bum.

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Reply #1343 - Sep 13^th, 2010 at 6:47am

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I am sick of receiving phone calls and emails about my rottweiler savaging those three Muslims!
For the last bloody time.......

It's not for sale!!!!

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #1344 - Oct 15^th, 2010 at 10:23am

Lady_Joanella Offline
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.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Highway Patrolman sees a car puttering along at 22kmh.

He says to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster”.
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyes and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

Ma’am, the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?
No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty two kilometers, an hour,” the old woman says proudly.

The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am I need to ask.. is everyone in the car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.”

Cheesy

LJW

"Friends make the best Collectables."

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Reply #1345 - Oct 15^th, 2010 at 4:04pm

OzJeeper Offline
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Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash-

Well, he always used to hold his breath - until he heard the splash!!

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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Reply #1346 - Oct 19^th, 2010 at 6:23pm

TBF Offline
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A passenger in Dublin taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't
realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who's sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

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Reply #1347 - Oct 28^th, 2010 at 7:51pm

Mook Offline
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i dig for cooking only
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near Broken Hill, New South Wales, Australia

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The old codgers were sitting in the park and their hearing was not the best
the first one said "Windy isn't it."
The second one said "No.. It's Thursdy."
The Third one said "so am i lets go an have a beer."

Mook
Smiley

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Reply #1348 - Oct 29^th, 2010 at 2:48pm

OzJeeper Offline
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· Congratulations to those born before 1970
Firstly, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back at sunset.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, mobile phones, personal computers, Internet or Internet chat rooms, we had friends and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And YOU are one of them!

Shocked

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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Reply #1349 - Oct 29^th, 2010 at 2:49pm

OzJeeper Offline
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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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