Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1370 - Mar 2^nd, 2011 at 9:05pm

Rufzgutz Offline
COCIA Legend
I Love the Great Outdoors
Joined: Oct 12^th, 2009 at 5:20pm
Last online: Aug 17^th, 2019 at 12:47pm

Gender:
Mood:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 3979

"Private Part" Dies

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and

sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,

Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the

hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You

shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please

put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told

you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why

is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

.
.
.
.
.

'Well,' he replied,

'Today is the viewing.'

Grin

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1371 - Mar 3^rd, 2011 at 7:40am

poddy dodger Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Joined: Jun 3^rd, 2006 at 8:03am
Last online: Sep 10^th, 2025 at 9:28pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2924

Third class at our local primary school recently went on an excursion to Randwick Racecourse to view the thoroughbred horses and the whole race day spectacle, they were accompanied by two junior female teachers.
Early in the afternoon the kids called for a toilet break so the young teachers decided one would escort the girls to the ladies toilet and the other wait for the boys outside the men's toilet. Soon after the boys went into the toilet one came out and said to the teacher they couldn't reach the wall mounted urinals. She swallowed her embarrassment, went in and proceeded to lift the young boys up and hold their willy while they urinated. After the first several she noticed the boy she was holding was extremely well endowed and becoming more so, so she said, "Are you in third class ?"
"No", he said, "I'm in the fourth, riding Grey Ghost".

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1372 - Mar 4^th, 2011 at 10:37am

Michaelb Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Joined: Nov 26^th, 2008 at 12:40pm
Last online: Jul 4^th, 2023 at 8:45am

Gender:
Mood:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 1545

Subject: Best Lawyer/ Insurance story of the year

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars
that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA....
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

Don't waste a day, not while your breathing.

Michaelb (A Mexican)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWCVbBkd0j0

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1373 - Mar 7^th, 2011 at 6:57am

skiproosel Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Box Monster
Joined: Jan 5^th, 2008 at 6:06am
Last online: Sep 16^th, 2012 at 5:35pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2510

TOUGH DEAL

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting, why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl......" Wink

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1374 - Mar 15^th, 2011 at 7:46pm

OzJeeper Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
The Cookenator - I terminate
food!
Joined: Apr 20^th, 2008 at 9:42pm
Last online: Nov 25^th, 2019 at 7:18pm

Posts: 977

Bob is sitting at home on his verandah with his wife, Myrtle., and he says, "I love you."

She asks him, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. I'm talking to the beer."

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1375 - Mar 15^th, 2011 at 7:47pm

OzJeeper Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
The Cookenator - I terminate
food!
Joined: Apr 20^th, 2008 at 9:42pm
Last online: Nov 25^th, 2019 at 7:18pm

Posts: 977

An Australian Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

A midshipman responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the able seaman who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, young seaman Smith responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Aussie sailor

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1376 - Apr 5^th, 2011 at 3:38pm

outback jack Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
I Love camp oven cooking
and going bush
Joined: Apr 14^th, 2009 at 9:06pm
Last online: Aug 16^th, 2025 at 10:40pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 977

FW: The game they play in Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

But Joe is dying and Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, We both loved rugby all our lives,

and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years.

Please, when you get to Heaven,

somehow you must let me know if they play rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says,

" You've been my best friend for many years.

If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

A couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep

by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1377 - Apr 5^th, 2011 at 3:59pm

outback jack Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
I Love camp oven cooking
and going bush
Joined: Apr 14^th, 2009 at 9:06pm
Last online: Aug 16^th, 2025 at 10:40pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 977

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1378 - Apr 28^th, 2011 at 7:12pm

outback jack Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
I Love camp oven cooking
and going bush
Joined: Apr 14^th, 2009 at 9:06pm
Last online: Aug 16^th, 2025 at 10:40pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 977

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR8tIjTykbE

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1379 - May 4^th, 2011 at 7:53am

Kez Offline
COCIA Gold Member
Joined: Apr 13^th, 2009 at 8:50am
Last online: Dec 4^th, 2017 at 11:11am

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 422

Two naked statues of a man and a woman in a park face each other for 100 years. An angel comes down to earth and decides to reward them for their patience. She tells them "As a reward I'm going to bring you to life for half an hour and during that time you may do whatever you like"
She brings them to life and emediately the they grab hands and run into the buses. After 15 minutes of giggling, panting and other well known noises they come out of the bushes looking really pleased with themselves. The angel looks at her watch and tells them they have only used 15 minutes and asks if they would like to do it again.
They both look at one and other and the man says "okay come on let's do it again but we'll change positions.
This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head.

Back to top

IP Logged

	am pm	Welcome, Guest. If this is your first visit to COCIA, be sure to check out the many references on the Help Board. You will have to Login or Register, before you can post. Click the register TAB below to proceed or to start viewing messages, simply select the Board that you want to visit.