A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:- Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats.
Then I voted for Peter Beattie, Anna Bligh, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
"How am I doing so far?"

A CATTLE DOG STORY 

Julia Gillard called Bob Brown into her office one day and said  "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the  country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"?  said Brown.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza  Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and  a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a  typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush". 

"Right" said Brown.

Days later, all kitted out and with the  requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly  direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking  for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and  up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two  middies of your best beer".





"Good afternoon Leader", said the  bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and  Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,  nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The  dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the  adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with  stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the  whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to  the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with  his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked  underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. 

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Brown, "why did all those old  stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em  there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...

Three kinds of sex in a relationship

House sex: when the relationship is new it happens in every room in the house

Bedroom sex: after a few years it is maintained for the bedroom only

Hallway sex: when you pass each other in a hallway and say F&@%K you

OzJeeper wrote on Oct 5^th, 2011 at 9:04pm:

Not a joke OJ,just sad

Rural Australia Computer Terminology -

Getting ready for Joolya's Broadband in the
bush!!



A  little bit of Aussie culcha
LOG ON:                    Adding wood to make the barbie hotter
LOG OFF:                   Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR:                 Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD:             Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE:            Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD:               Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW:                  What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN:                    What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE:                         What mozzies do
MEGABYTE:               What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP:                          A pub snack.
MICROCHIP:              What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM:                     What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP:                     Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE:               Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE:              Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE:                      The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME:              What holds the shed up.
WEB:                           What spiders make.
WEBSITE:                    Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE:       What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR:                     What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO:                        What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE:                   A steep hill.
SERVER:                     The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER:            The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER:                          The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:                  What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET:                  Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE:                  What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE:                      Where you hang the washing.   

OFFLINE:                      Where the washing ends up when the pegs  aren't strong
                               enough.


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