Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1410 - Dec 13^th, 2011 at 9:02am

Wino Offline
COCIA Bronze Member
I Love COCIA
Joined: Apr 19^th, 2011 at 12:13pm
Last online: Jan 20^th, 2014 at 5:38pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 34

Ways and means

A Bloke in Canberra calls his Daughter in Melbourne the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; Twenty seven years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the daughter screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Woolongong and tell her.”

Franticly, the daughter calls her sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Canberra immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my sister back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The bloke hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Sorted, they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1411 - Dec 21^st, 2011 at 4:34pm

Wino Offline
COCIA Bronze Member
I Love COCIA
Joined: Apr 19^th, 2011 at 12:13pm
Last online: Jan 20^th, 2014 at 5:38pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 34

A guy goes to the Post Office
to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him,
"Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I
can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in
the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in
Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That
will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you
disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes.. A bomb
exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and
then says, "Okay.. You've got enough points for me
to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at
10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every
day."

The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job,"
the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we
just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1412 - Feb 23^rd, 2012 at 6:15pm

skiproosel Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Box Monster
Joined: Jan 5^th, 2008 at 6:06am
Last online: Sep 16^th, 2012 at 5:35pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2510

I thought I saw a Rabbit

The Hunting Accident

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

All the best
Skip Smiley

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1413 - Feb 24^th, 2012 at 6:22pm

OzJeeper Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
The Cookenator - I terminate
food!
Joined: Apr 20^th, 2008 at 9:42pm
Last online: Nov 25^th, 2019 at 7:18pm

Posts: 977

"Mary had a little dress
with a split right up it's side.
So everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs."

Mary had another dress,
with a split right up the front,

But she never wore that one..... Grin

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1414 - Feb 24^th, 2012 at 7:13pm

poddy dodger Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Joined: Jun 3^rd, 2006 at 8:03am
Last online: Sep 10^th, 2025 at 9:28pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2924

Bloke goes into a barbers shop and asks how long before he can get his hair cut. Barber says, "I've got six waiting and two prior appointments so it'll be about two and a half hours". Bloke goes off and the following week turns up again and asks about how long 'til he can get a trim. Barber says, "I'm pretty busy as you can see, about three hours". Bloke goes off and the third week comes in again with the same question. Barber can see he doesn't really need a haircut and his curiosity is aroused so he gets his young apprentice to follow the bloke to see where he goes. The apprentice returns awhile later and says, "Boss, you're not going to believe this but he went to YOUR house."

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1415 - Jul 20^th, 2012 at 9:43am

poddy dodger Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Joined: Jun 3^rd, 2006 at 8:03am
Last online: Sep 10^th, 2025 at 9:28pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2924

I was going through the check out at the supermarket yesterday when the check-out chick said to me, "Strip down facing me", I'm used to doing what I'm told so I quickly got my clobber off, when the screaming died down she said, "No no, I meant your credit card".
Well they've gotta explain things a bit clearer to us senior citizens, now I've been banned from Woolies for twelve months.

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1416 - Jul 25^th, 2012 at 6:44am

Little_Kopit Offline
COCIA Hall Of Fame
& I, I took the road less
traveled by.
Joined: Dec 19^th, 2005 at 2:05pm
Last online: Apr 13^th, 2020 at 2:27am

Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2254

Subject: Puns for Educated Minds

            1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
            He acquired his size from too much pi.

            2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
            to be an optical Aleutian .

            3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

            4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

            5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

            6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

            7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
            Blownapart.

            8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

            9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

            10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

            11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

            12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
            the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

            13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

            14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

            15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

            16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

            17. A backward poet writes inverse.

            18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

            19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

            20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

            21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
            stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
            allowed per passenger.'

            22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

            23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
            craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
            your kayak and heat it too.

            24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

            25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
            root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

            26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Tongue

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1417 - Aug 10^th, 2012 at 3:13pm

OzJeeper Offline
COCIA Platinum Member
The Cookenator - I terminate
food!
Joined: Apr 20^th, 2008 at 9:42pm
Last online: Nov 25^th, 2019 at 7:18pm

Posts: 977

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him on the head...
Like his mother used to do.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1418 - Aug 29^th, 2012 at 7:40pm

Derek Offline
COCIA Owner
The "Camp Oven Cook"
Joined: Nov 10^th, 2003 at 2:00pm
Last online: Yesterday at 10:54pm

Gender:
Mood:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 18060

Smug Men

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay
gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded,'£15,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower
because they've been used.'

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

Back to top

IP Logged

Reply #1419 - Aug 29^th, 2012 at 11:48pm

skiproosel Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Box Monster
Joined: Jan 5^th, 2008 at 6:06am
Last online: Sep 16^th, 2012 at 5:35pm

Gender:
Zodiac sign:
Posts: 2510

The Gold Urinal

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Back to top

IP Logged

	am pm	Welcome, Guest. If this is your first visit to COCIA, be sure to check out the many references on the Help Board. You will have to Login or Register, before you can post. Click the register TAB below to proceed or to start viewing messages, simply select the Board that you want to visit.