Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1420 - Sep 8^th, 2012 at 7:18pm

LG Offline
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Bunbury, Western Australia, Western Australia, Australia

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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face...

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk...
unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

The judge's decision is final... unless the 3rd umpire is called for... or a facebook campaign goes viral !!!

All comments are my personal opinion only and/or based on real life experiences. No debate will be entered into.

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Reply #1421 - Nov 26^th, 2012 at 8:49am

Derek Offline
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A woman was asked, “When you are a ripe old age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”
This wise lady answered, “Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I put the bottle”

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Reply #1422 - Nov 26^th, 2012 at 7:00pm

Kingsthorpe David Offline
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Derek wrote on Nov 26^th, 2012 at 8:49am:

A woman was asked, “When you are a ripe old age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”
This wise lady answered, “Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I put the bottle”

Nurses in Aged Care will appreciate this Grin

KD

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Reply #1423 - Jun 21^st, 2013 at 9:19pm

Derek Offline
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What do you call a Woolworths Supermarket after it burns down

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Coals

Retired
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Reply #1424 - Jun 21^st, 2013 at 9:36pm

shackles Offline
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Yorke Peninsula, South Australia, Australia

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A few years back the local pub had a sign above the bar saying.
"If you don't like our Olives for $2.50 you can Get Stuffed For $3.00."

Can't Get Full On Fancy

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Reply #1425 - Jul 9^th, 2013 at 10:45am

Derek Offline
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She was lying in bed one night. I was falling asleep but she was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily I reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, I reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
... Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, I threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"

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Reply #1426 - Jul 17^th, 2013 at 1:53pm

deano68 Offline
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CROWS.
Another Government study provides outstanding results . . .

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory,
where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows

and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

(Didn't know there was a difference!)

The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent .. .

experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.!!

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Reply #1427 - Jul 22^nd, 2013 at 11:48am

deano68 Offline
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PADDY.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm shoite' faced,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. he takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.

experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.!!

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Reply #1428 - Oct 2^nd, 2013 at 11:56am

Stubby Offline
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One day during a game on the golf course, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine thanks," I replied.
"My name's Jack," I said and introduced myself.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later," she suggested.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay, I finally agreed," and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage.
Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth replied with a smile, "she won't know a thing. Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the cart!" I said....

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Reply #1429 - Nov 27^th, 2013 at 8:48pm

Stubby Offline
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More golf.
Three women were playing a round of golf when a man ran past wearing nothing but a bag over his head. The first woman looked down and said "that's not my husband".
The second woman glanced down and said, "that's not my husband".
The third woman had a close look and said "he's not even a member of our golf club!"

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