Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1460 - Jul 5^th, 2014 at 10:30am

Seamus Offline
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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

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Reply #1461 - Jul 5^th, 2014 at 10:20pm

Homewood Offline
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It hurts

Now if you can imagine,
It's as simple as can be
This place is rather private
The players, he and she.

She whispered will it hurt?
Of course not, he replied
It's a simple project,
Lay back and close your eyes.

She said I'm rather frightened,
I've never done this before.
He wanted to continue
It wouldn't hurt much more

Its becoming rather painful,
As tears rolled down her eyes,
It's hurting something awful,
It must be quite a size!

Calm yourself, my darling,
As the feeling holds in your spine,
Open up more slightly,
So I can get more inside.

Suddenly with a jump
She gave a little shout
Now that it was over
He slowly pulled it out.

If you read this carefully
A dentist chair you'll find
It's not what you were thinking
It's just your dirty mind!

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Reply #1462 - Jul 17^th, 2014 at 10:13pm

Stubby Offline
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What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing a piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking, wearing blue suede shoes, playing a piano and driving a truck?

Bloody talented!!!

Grin

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Reply #1463 - Jul 20^th, 2014 at 6:29am

Seamus Offline
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Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I shout 'Two sugars, fat arse!'

Cheers

Seamus

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Reply #1464 - Jul 20^th, 2014 at 9:13am

Rufzgutz Offline
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You are lucky that this is in the Joke thread Seamus Grin

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Reply #1465 - Jul 25^th, 2014 at 5:12pm

Stubby Offline
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Islamic Dance Rules.
A muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet with the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men and, and women to dance with women. But at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden Islam."
"Well, OK," says the man, "what about sex? Can we have finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No says the Mullah."
"Why not? asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing!!"
Grin

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Reply #1466 - Oct 11^th, 2014 at 7:46am

Seamus Offline
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Two women were sitting quietly together... not saying a word, bagging not a soul.

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Reply #1467 - Oct 11^th, 2014 at 7:53am

Derek Offline
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Even Maggie laughed at that one Grin

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #1468 - Oct 11^th, 2014 at 10:13am

Chally Offline
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I had to show Jude that one Seamus! Grin

Jeff

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Reply #1469 - Oct 11^th, 2014 at 8:32pm

Rufzgutz Offline
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Didn't even get a smile from me.

I only like the rude ones Grin

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