A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.  Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair.  Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair…”



(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply) .......



“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

I had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old peoples home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes, but they still pissed themselves.

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up
his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and
cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic...
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and
was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Ole
attended Mass...
and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you
are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday
night arrived and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,
but now you is a rainbow trout."

Teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher..
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada ... Peter is able to
tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from
The nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult
question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is
in bed with my mother.
That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast'.

Early yesterday morning I’d just finished a piece of  artwork I had been working on and yelled to The Boss,

"Hey Bev! Come and see what I created!  It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Rudd-Gilliard  Administration!"

She yelled back, "For heaven’s sake Seamus, just flush the bloody toilet and come and have your breakfast!!!"