Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #1480 - Aug 31^st, 2015 at 3:39pm

Rufzgutz Offline
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This gave me a laugh Grin

image_646.jpg (55 KB | )

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Reply #1481 - Dec 10^th, 2015 at 11:45am

Stubby Offline
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I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh".
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me & told me what she really said : 666136429. Grin

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Reply #1482 - Jan 16^th, 2016 at 4:28pm

poddy dodger Offline
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Quiet sex and noisy sex....
A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband made a lot of noise when he climaxed, doctor said he couldn't see how that was a problem and she said well it is, it wakes me up !

Husband says to his wife "How come you never make a noise when you climax ?" She says "Well you're never here when I come", that's the difference between noisy sex and quiet sex.

Rob.

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #1483 - Feb 5^th, 2016 at 8:18pm

paulhenry Offline
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Did you hear about the new viagra tablet the Irish just invented?
It's 99% fat free.

Its not burnt. Just really well done.

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Reply #1484 - Feb 19^th, 2016 at 10:49pm

Rufzgutz Offline
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Several days ago I left the local Bunnings Store to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.

My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.

"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your farkin ute!!"

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Reply #1485 - Feb 20^th, 2016 at 1:54pm

Rufzgutz Offline
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I got a laugh from these.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

Just got fired from the orange juice factory. Apparently I couldnt concentrate, so I got canned.

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

A midget fortune teller escapes from jail...the newsparer headline reads..."Small medium at large!"

William had to leave the army because they kept saying: "Fire at will!"

A string walks into a bar. It sits on the barstool and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks the string over and motions to a sign behind him that says "We don't serve strings here." Dejected, the string gets up and goes back out the door.
The string goes around back of the building, ties itself into a knot and unravels the fibers at its head. Then it goes back into the bar, sits on the barstool, and asks the bartender for a beer again.
The bartender says, "Aren't you that string that was in here a little while ago?"
The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Confucius says "man who goes through airport turnstile sideways most likely going to Bangkok"

Confucius says " Man who break wind in church sits in his own pew!"

Police said there was a truck full of Viagra stolen and they are on the look out for hardened criminals.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Thieves stole all the toilets from a police station. A spokesman from the station said they have nothing to go on.

Tic Tacs for sale! Mint condition.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and yells " air in the hands you mother stickers, this is a f#*^ up".

1000 packets of laxatives were stolen from a chemist. Police say the criminals are on the run.

My vacuum cleaner sucks

I don't know why, but I got arrested at the airport. I saw my buddy walk into the airport and all I did was wave and shout "Hi Jack".

That's all Folks.

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Reply #1486 - Feb 20^th, 2016 at 3:26pm

Chally Offline
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Jeff

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Reply #1487 - Feb 21^st, 2016 at 8:42pm

paulhenry Offline
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Great work, Rufzguts. I agree with Chally. Well worth the read.

Its not burnt. Just really well done.

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Reply #1488 - Feb 21^st, 2016 at 10:39pm

Rufzgutz Offline
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I'm happy that I've tickled your fancy.

I only post these if they give me a genuine laugh.

That last lot would go well around a campfire by a budding stand up comic Cheesy

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Reply #1489 - Mar 2^nd, 2016 at 12:34pm

Stubby Offline
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TWO BLIND PILOTS
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane,
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the doors close and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in safe hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
" Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." Grin

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