Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #140 - May 9^th, 2008 at 5:46pm

skiproosel Offline
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity,the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you,
I have a very rare medical condition:
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

Have a nice day
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Reply #141 - May 9^th, 2008 at 5:57pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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Woman chatting with her husband tells him that it is comming up to their 25th wedding anniversary and she wanted to go back to where they had spent their honeymoon and stay in the same room eat the same meal for memories sake.

her husband says sure no problem dear but one condition
whats that she said
this time its my turn to sit on the end of the bed and cry and say its to big he said

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #142 - May 9^th, 2008 at 6:57pm

skiproosel Offline
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Top yarns Troops keep 'em coming-
Grin

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Reply #143 - May 9^th, 2008 at 8:34pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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Four men were sitting around a conference room table

being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied 'A thought. It pops into your head, there's

no forewarning that it's on the way,

it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

'That's very good' replied the interviewer. 'And now you, sir,' he

asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see..... A blink!,' said the second man. 'It

comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the

Fastest

thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye' That's a

very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man who

Was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and

on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way

across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an

Instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and

thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light',

he

said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same

question 'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me

the

fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie. 'What!' said

the interviewer, stunned by the response?

'Oh, I can explain', said the Aussie, 'You see, the other day

I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I

could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I #### my pants.'

He got the job....

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #144 - May 9^th, 2008 at 8:37pm

Furphyslinger Offline
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The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down...

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full

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Reply #145 - May 10^th, 2008 at 12:37pm

skiproosel Offline
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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Have a great day

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Reply #146 - May 10^th, 2008 at 9:30pm

TBF Offline
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RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top

Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and

Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked

Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

When asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of My weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;

Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him

Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"

Which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's

Weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

TBF

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Reply #147 - May 12^th, 2008 at 10:40am

Derek Offline
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WARNING

THIS IS A VERY GRAPHIC PHOTO

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU ARE CONCERNED
OR WEAK IN THE HEART

WARNING

SECONDS BEFORE DEATH

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #148 - May 12^th, 2008 at 10:44am

Derek Offline
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Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

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Reply #149 - May 12^th, 2008 at 10:52am

Derek Offline
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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

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