Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #160 - May 13^th, 2008 at 8:07pm

sooty Offline
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her W C FIELDS

A bear walks into a bar.
Barman; 'What can I get you ?'
Bear; 'I'll have a ...ah.................................................................Beer'
Barman; 'Why the big pause?'
Bear; 'Dunno, I was just born with them'.

Grin

I started out with nothing and still have most of it

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Reply #161 - May 13^th, 2008 at 8:09pm

skiproosel Offline
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Newspaper Clipping,

All the best
Skip

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Reply #162 - May 13^th, 2008 at 8:13pm

Lady_Joanella Offline
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Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way

they pass a Chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:' All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety.....the works!'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
Disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I
can help you with?'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to nominate your store as our
Bridal Gift Registry.'

LJW

"Friends make the best Collectables."

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Reply #163 - May 13^th, 2008 at 9:04pm

Troyk Offline
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Skip, you should get a prize for submitting that one. Tops! Grin

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Reply #164 - May 14^th, 2008 at 8:19pm

LogFire Offline
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter #### in our garden' she said.

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.

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Reply #165 - May 14^th, 2008 at 8:23pm

LogFire Offline
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The beer prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages ,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.

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Reply #166 - May 14^th, 2008 at 8:27pm

LogFire Offline
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Biscuits
Mr Monte Carlo took Miss Ice Vo Vo for Morning Coffee. She thought he was very Nice, but when he put his Scotch Finger on her Date Slice she grabbed him by the Ginger Nuts and made him Sao.

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.

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Reply #167 - May 15^th, 2008 at 12:40pm

skiproosel Offline
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A Ballerina Alright

A woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

Paddy, the bartender, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

Paddy approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Have a great day

Regards Skip

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Reply #168 - May 15^th, 2008 at 9:53pm

The_Pensioner Offline
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By gee's Skip, that's a good'un;D Grin

Mate, you're sett'in a crack'in pace with these yarns!
Hey! While I think of it - did I see somewhere, that you've chalked up another milestone Grin

Bet you've never laughed so much while you were do'in it (tapp'in in jokes that is) - good onya mate & well done. Keep'em roll'in
TP Smiley

'Keep yer powder dry'

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Reply #169 - May 15^th, 2008 at 10:03pm

The_Pensioner Offline
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An old mate of mine (same bloke who sorted me out with my first rum & bonox, in fact) used to recite this verse of similar theme to Logfire's, only with different brands of tobaccos - dedicated to Tommy Evans.

Mr CAPSTAN met Miss WOODBINE & brought her home to his LOG CABIN where he introduced his MONTEPOLE to her FINE CUT & that made the TOWN TALK & by gee NUGGET you're a CHAMPION.

Hooroo for now
TP Smiley

'Keep yer powder dry'

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