Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she e prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Beer contains female hormones



Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
 


 
  No further testing was considered necessary.
 
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

OLD DOGS RULE 

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell terrier named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.   Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'   Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!   I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'that was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

'Where's that damn monkey?   I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story:

Don't mess with the old dogs -- age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.'
You did notice the large print size, didn't you?

Very topical

An Austrian woman is like a good wine.
Best left to mature in a cellar.


I've just bought this Austrian girls diary off ebay. Its not very interesting it just
says:

Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in.


Austrian authorities have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father as of
late. In fact, police have said that he has "Been coming into his own".


The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far. They even
have their own Von Trapped family.


Just when we thought Madeleine McCann was pixxing the World Hide & Seek
Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim!


An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzls '
daughter Alice. “Alice” he replied “Who the f**k is Alice? You mean for 24
years I’ve been living next door to Alice?!”


Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark
as long as possible.


Austrian authorities are worried by the rapid drop in stag nights after it was learnt
they actually do lock up their daughters.


The Austrian interbred Fritzl family have been moved to a safe place, where it is

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again