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Joke Of The Day - Please Keep Them Clean (Read 367593 times)
 
Reply #180 - May 17th, 2008 at 8:52am

Little_Kopit   Offline
COCIA Hall Of Fame
& I, I took the road less
traveled by.
Joined: Dec 19th, 2005 at 2:05pm
Last online: Apr 13th, 2020 at 2:27am


Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Posts: 2254
******
 
You betcha buono, Furph!!!

Smiley
 
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Reply #181 - May 17th, 2008 at 8:26pm

skiproosel   Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
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Joined: Jan 5th, 2008 at 6:06am
Last online: Sep 16th, 2012 at 5:35pm


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*****
 
An older couple go to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is still good,
and if he has any questions.
 
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After having sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly?'

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After
examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in
December and the second time is in July'



Have a great day
Regards Skip
 

...
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Reply #182 - May 18th, 2008 at 9:16am

Furphyslinger   Offline
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Camp Oven Cooking is Real
Cooking
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Last online: Jul 15th, 2008 at 2:33pm


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Two fleas from Wisconsin had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue,
shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!

The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'

The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Milwaukee in the mustache of
a guy on a Harley.'

The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel.  Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all
blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly froze to death.

The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'

'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said ... I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot.  It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back
in the mustache of the guy on the Harley.'
 

If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full
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Reply #183 - May 18th, 2008 at 11:41pm

wazza5262   Offline
COCIA Gold Member
I Love Camp Oven Cooking
and camping ,shooting
Joined: Jun 10th, 2006 at 1:51am
Last online: Dec 23rd, 2012 at 11:16am


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Taurus
Posts: 450
***
 
Grandpa dies


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"
 

...
cheers warren ...  lives in Ipswich Queensland Australia..  Hi all o/s visters
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Reply #184 - May 18th, 2008 at 11:48pm

wazza5262   Offline
COCIA Gold Member
I Love Camp Oven Cooking
and camping ,shooting
Joined: Jun 10th, 2006 at 1:51am
Last online: Dec 23rd, 2012 at 11:16am


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Taurus
Posts: 450
***
 
It's the summer of 1956 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold!
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!!!

 

...
cheers warren ...  lives in Ipswich Queensland Australia..  Hi all o/s visters
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Reply #185 - May 19th, 2008 at 8:38pm

skiproosel   Offline
COCIA Diamond Member
Box Monster
Joined: Jan 5th, 2008 at 6:06am
Last online: Sep 16th, 2012 at 5:35pm


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Taurus
Posts: 2510
*****
 
SEX AFTER DEATH....

A COUPLE MADE A DEAL THAT WHOEVER DIED FIRST WOULD
COME BACK AND INFORM THE OTHER OF THE AFTERLIFE. THEIR
BIGGEST FEAR WAS THAT THERE WAS NO AFTERLIFE.

AFTER A LONG LIFE, THE HUSBAND WAS THE FIRST TO
GO...AND TRUE TO HIS  WORD, HE MADE CONTACT,...

"MARY...MARY."

IS THAT YOU, WENDELL????

YES, I'VE COME BACK LIKE WE AGREED.

WHAT'S IT LIKE????

WELL, MARY, I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I HAVE SEX. I
HAVE BREAKFAST, OFF TO THE GOLF COURSE, I HAVE SEX. I
BATHE IN THE SUN, AND THEN I HAVE SEX TWICE.

I HAVE LUNCH, ANOTHER ROMP AROUND THE GOLF COURSE,
THEN SEX PRETTY MUCH ALL AFTERNOON. AFTER SUPPER, THE
GOLF COURSE AGAIN. THEN I HAVE SEX UNTIL LATE AT
NIGHT. THE NEXT DAY IT STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN.

OH, WENDELL...YOU SURELY MUST BE IN HEAVEN !!!


WELL NOT EXACTLY MARY..I'M A RABBIT ON A GOLF COURSE
IN ARIZONA ..


Have a great day
Skip
 

...
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Reply #186 - May 19th, 2008 at 9:05pm

LogFire   Offline
COCIA Gold Member
Joined: Mar 27th, 2007 at 7:50am
Last online: Apr 7th, 2023 at 8:56pm


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Cancer
Posts: 376
***
 
A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.
He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to
cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief,
"What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.
This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out.
You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"
  Grin Grin Grin
 

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.
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Reply #187 - May 20th, 2008 at 5:27am

Scouter_Wayne   Offline
COCIA Bronze Member
IDOS Ontario Chapter
Joined: Jan 28th, 2008 at 2:59am
Last online: Sep 26th, 2010 at 7:45pm


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Pisces
Posts: 24
*
 

       STUD ROOSTER


       A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster
and says,

       'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

       The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle aLL of
these chickens.
       Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?'

       The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am
taking over.'

       The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
       I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

       The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old
man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

       The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the
young rooster takes off running after him.

       They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster
has closed the gap.

       He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

       The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by.

       The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

       The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
       'Dammit..... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

       Moral of this story? ...

       Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
 
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Reply #188 - May 21st, 2008 at 5:33pm

skiproosel   Offline
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Joined: Jan 5th, 2008 at 6:06am
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*****
 
A man is  dining in a  fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .



She says :


'You just happened to catch my eye.'  Smiley


Have a great day
Skip
 

...
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Reply #189 - May 22nd, 2008 at 4:52pm

Furphyslinger   Offline
COCIA Hall Of Fame
Camp Oven Cooking is Real
Cooking
Joined: Jul 14th, 2006 at 7:14pm
Last online: Jul 15th, 2008 at 2:33pm


Gender: male
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
Posts: 806
******
 
SHIPWRECKED

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.



Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

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If you don't know the bush then you have never lived life to the full
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