A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes & lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


All the best
Skip

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail



I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.  She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the Money back ....same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.



I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'  'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'.
She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.


They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'.  Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?


They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't  want the sun waking him  up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'  When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'


They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'


They walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the trunk.



They Walk Among  Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'


They Walk  Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'



They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce,  but Worst of all ..........




      THEY VOTE

Have a great day Everyone
Regards Skip

The Fisherman

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Gotta Love Those Canadians

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar.
He gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear
and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing
25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the
Canadian just shrugs.  "That's about average up North, folks.   Like I
said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of,
"WOW!" were heard.   One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you ?   Everybody's been makin'
bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  We were gonna call you ... so
how much does he weigh now ?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled & concerned.  "What happened ?   He already
weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
him circumcised".


Would that be right LK?

Have a great day
Skip