WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE !!

     Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

     'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

     'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

     Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

     'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

     I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a #$%@king good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'


TBF   On a roll............

I know a bloke that started up a dildo farm on the East Coast.....









It eventually got taken over by squatters.

One For The Bushies


A Queensland cow cockie was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.
 
The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
 
The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, "Why not?"
 
The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
 
Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
 
Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
 
"That's right." says the farmer. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
 
And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.
 
"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"
 
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
 
"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
 
"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"
 
"No guessing required." answered the farmer.  "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle.
Now, give me back my bloody dog."

Guido, the Italian lover



The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian
gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to
the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his
bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So,
you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'


All the best
Skip

Good one LK

I thought I was going mad once, but then the voices told me I was just being silly.
On the subject, next time you want to take a sickie from work, just for fun call the boss and in a low emotionless voice tell him "The voices told me to stay home and sharpen ALL the knives."
Guaranteed you'll get as much time off as you want (or maybe even longer than you wanted).

Robbo