BOB

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a VB.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink VB?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a VB at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.


All the best
Skip

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. 
Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular  reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and  says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and  I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day, for  eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks Her Majesty the same  question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the  lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go  in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to  me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
a royal flush beats a pair -  no matter how big they are.


All the best
Skip


 
 




 
 



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   A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a j@int







when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"







The koala said, "Smoking a j@int, come up  and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

where they enjoyed a few j@ints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and



helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he



was sitting smoking a j@int with the koala in  the tree,

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a j@int. The crocodile looked up and said,






"Hey you!"


So the koala looked down at him and said,








"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude......


How much water did you drink?"
    

 

   

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off."  You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"