A little old lady (that sweet grandmother type) has decided to get herself a pet parrot. So she heads down to the pet shop and finds one of the best looking parrots that she has ever seen.

Assured by the shop owner that the parrot does indeed talk, she pays and heads home with the parrot and a whole load of stands and a cage.

Once home she calls her friends to tell them of her new pet and invites them over for tea later that afternoon. All of them are eager to see the parrot and hear it talk.

After hanging up she has the parrot on its new stand and is holding out a cracker. "Polly want a cracker?" she asks it several times. The parrot tilts its head to one side and eyes her for several minutes.

"^%$#^ %@^#&^%& ^%$^% @$%# @%$&^% $^%$^ %#%$ #@!$#@! $##^%$ $&^%$^% $@#%$# @%#$@% $%^ %*$&$ %#^#$ @%$#" screams the parrot like a south sea sailor.

Well the poor little old lady is just mortified. She can't show this parrot to her friends.

She spends the next hour attempting to get the parrot to say anything other than the nasty south sea sailor blue streak cussing it has been spouting, but nothing she does works. If anything the parrots language is getting more graphic.

Then in utter frustration she grabs the parrot and takes it to the deep freezer and tosses it in telling it "You will not come out until you learn to be civil and talk nice!" and slams the door.

She spends the next hour making cookies, cakes, and tea for her friends.

Just before her friends are to arrive she opens the freezer and there is the parrot shiverring.

"Now are you going to be nice and civil?" she asks it.

The parrot looks at her and says "Lady, I an't saying a &^@%$# word until you tell me what the &&^%$# the Turkey said!"

Best, Duncan

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.







"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy...   even these silly little cute.....   and clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
He continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

Have a nice day
Skip

CONNOR PASS


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the
bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.>
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's  truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,  'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps  off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to  the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'>
THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and  breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat  parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean  appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of  which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the
cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Have a great day everyone
Skip

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..




'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'



All the best
Skip