Strewth Pensioner that is classic
Cane Cutters Cordial out of nasal cavity

Thanks for that
Skip

Thanks Skip, glad ya got some amusement out of it!
It pales into insignificance though, compared to the volume you've entered yourself!
Every now & then, one comes to mind that I reckon may appeal!

There must be an auto edit on, as I originally had 'sh...y outlook' & it censored it to crappy

I guess there's gotta be someth'in that keeps us in line, eh?

Hooroo,
TP

But cripes, how wouldya get away with some'a them smilies??!

Might be push'in the envelope with this one, but here goes...................

A woman, running late for work, has the hammer down fairly well & as she flys past a huge billboard, a highway patrol pulls out behind & nabs her.

Officer approaches the car with the familiar smirk we've all seen & says 'Where's the fire lady?'

Lady says ' I'm running extremely late for work'

Officer says 'And what is it that you do that's so important?'

Lady says ' I'm a rectum stretcher'

Officer says ' And what exactly does that involve?'

Lady answers ' Weeeeell, first you insert a finger into the back passage, then another, then another, gradually til you can get the whole hand in. Then, you go through the same process with the second hand. Once you get two hands in, you then begin to stretch the rectum sideways, gradually working up to about the 6 foot mark'.

Officer says ' What the hell would ya do with a six foot a...hole?!

Lady says 'Give  him a radar & park him behind a billboard!!

And with that, it's a good night from me,
Hooroo
TP

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

Thought you would appreciate this


Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers




Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'

TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'

Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'

Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.'


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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'

Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running 'a bit peaked'.  Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down.
'Ah,' the fighter pilot remarked, 'The dreaded seven-engine approach.'


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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'

Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'

Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7 '

Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the fa end of the runway.'

Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'

BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one.'


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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'

Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'

Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'


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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move tillI tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Have a nice day
Skip