Well I'll be a talking Dog

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have  a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day,  mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The  dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist:  'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog:  'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of  extreme shock)

Ventriloquist:  'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)   

Dog:  'Yep'

Ventriloquist:  'How does he treat you?'

Dog:  'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to  the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of  utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist:  'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the  horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist:  'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse:  'Cool'

Kiwi:  (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist:  'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse:  'Yep'

Ventriloquist:  How does he treat you?

Horse:  'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,  Brushes me down  often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the  Elements.'

Kiwi: (total  look of amazement)

Ventriloquist:  'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a  panic) 'The sheep's a   f*****'  liar......' 

Have a nice day
Regards Skip

GOLFING DAYS

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game

of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot

right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.



The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go

up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is

going to cost us.'



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm

voice said, 'Come on in.'



When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was

all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side

near the broken window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my

window?'



'Uh..yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see,

I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll

give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one

for myself.'



'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted

out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'



'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady,

what do you want?' the genie asked.



'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country

in the world,' she said.



'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe

from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'



'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'



'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a

woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'



The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both

now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about

you, honey?'



'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of

the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours

of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes

and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'



'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.



'**NO SH*****T**.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still

believe in genies?'


All the best
Skip

COWBOYS STILL EXIST


A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not.  Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'

Have a nice day
Skip

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
Cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a
Bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door' He was planning to
have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he
said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier
standing in there at attention?'
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on
a couple of old bean bags.”

Go the Soot

Skip