Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #20 - Mar 9^th, 2008 at 7:16pm

skiproosel Offline
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The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation... No
one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with
a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and
applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
"If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F***
the Vicar'.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone Grin

All the best
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Reply #21 - Mar 9^th, 2008 at 8:43pm

The_Pensioner Offline
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Not me anyway!!!
Good one Skip
Hooroo for now Smiley

'Keep yer powder dry'

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Reply #22 - Mar 9^th, 2008 at 7:23pm

skiproosel Offline
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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park

every day to feed the pigeons, watch the

squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day, Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't

concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or

some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't

shown up for a week or so, Sam really got

worried.

However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived

(the only time they ever got together was at the

park), he was unable to find out what had

happened to him.

After a month had passed, Sam figured he had

seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park,

however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench

waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
'For crying out loud Bill , what in the world

happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam . 'You? What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Sue , that cute little

blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I

sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam , 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day, she filed rape charges against me.

At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into

court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Have a nice day Cool

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Reply #23 - Mar 17^th, 2008 at 6:06pm

skiproosel Offline
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THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said," If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any
more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped
up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He
made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird
died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared
call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow
Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow
Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to
see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her
deep into the forest, then he made love to her all
day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but
Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on... take a guess!

Think about it!

You can't kill two birds with one stone!! Grin

All the best
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Reply #24 - Mar 17^th, 2008 at 8:02pm

Derek Offline
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Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddamn cat!'

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #25 - Mar 18^th, 2008 at 5:50pm

skiproosel Offline
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Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right!    Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?    Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP    Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse       Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?    Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table!    Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here!    Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet!    Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone!    No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week!    Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight       Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile    Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive    Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Grin

All the best
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Reply #26 - Mar 18^th, 2008 at 7:15pm

skiproosel Offline
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....and there I was........ What a way to start the day!
There I was on my way to K-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then . I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and said, "Well , which one are you then?" ... and that's when the fight started . . .

Have a nice day
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Reply #27 - Mar 19^th, 2008 at 10:05am

Derek Offline
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Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #28 - Mar 19^th, 2008 at 2:42pm

skiproosel Offline
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Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

All the best
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Reply #29 - Mar 19^th, 2008 at 2:47pm

skiproosel Offline
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Gee I love this Cheesy

All the best
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