Two blokes walked out of the pub both extremly drunk
they notice a dog sitting near the entrance doing what dogs are wont to
licking particular areas that need not be mentioned here
one bloke turns to his mate and says
"crikey I'd love to be able to do that"
his mate looks at the dog and says
"well I would give him a pat first if I were you"

      The best beer drinking tale ever

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.      
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell in to. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),
flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their
vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started      up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Well there, I wasn't going to put this one out there.
Just in case it offended some Labor voters.

Lady J has just helped me change my mind..
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!'' 

TBF

  ZEN TEACHINGS


     1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
     me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
     narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

     2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

     3. No one is listening until you fart.

     4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

     5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

     6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try
     missing a couple of mortgage payments.

     7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
     shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
     have their shoes.

     8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

     9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
     fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

     10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
     probably well worth it.

     11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

     12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

     13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

     14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes
     from bad judgment.

     15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

     16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

     17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are 
     moving.

     18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

     19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
     then things just get worse.

     20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.


All the best
Skip

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day,Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.
The nurse says,'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Tom couldn't believe it,but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm.The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by,and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing.So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies,'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.And sure enough,here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.But,as usual,within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says,'He's dead'
Tom is shocked,but not surprised.'I suppose the saw finally did him in' 'No,'says the nurse,'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.


Grrr!!!