Catholic Dog
   
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
   
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
   
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
   
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

STORY OF A MAN WITH A TAZER

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
> lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary & I was      looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer
> were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA
> batteries in the darn thing & pushed the button. Nothing! I was
> disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button & pressed it
> against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
> electricity darting back & forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple-A
> batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions & thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) &
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
> this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top (redneck, or bogan?) with
> my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
> in one hand, & Tazer in another. The directions said that a 1 second burst
> would shock & disorient your assailant; a 2      second burst was supposed

> to cause muscle spasms & a major loss of bodily control; a 3 second burst
> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
> of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little    device measuring about 5'
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really & (loaded
> with 2 itsy, bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking
> to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as if to say 'don't do it dipshit', reasoning that a 1 second burst
> from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
> give myself a 1 second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, &... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF
> MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
> recliner, & then body slammed me onto the carpet, over & over & over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with
> tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, & tingling in my legs?
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
> picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note
> of caution: there is no such thing as a 1 second burst when you zap
> yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3 second burst
> would be considered conservative?
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace. The recliner was upside down & about 8' or so from where it
> originally was. My triceps, right thigh, & both nipples, were still
> twitching.
   My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my
> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently
> I #### myself, but was too numb to know for sure & my sense of smell was
> gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my
> hair. I'm still looking for my nuts & I'm offering a significant reward
> for their safe return!!
> PS... My wife loved the gift, & now regularly threatens me with it!

A little girl asked her Mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question.
 
The Father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your Father told you about his!"


Grrr!!!

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'  he
whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have
hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her....

'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
All the best
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