Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #400 - Jul 31^st, 2008 at 3:59pm

Kingwilly Offline
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6 Degree of Blond jokes
FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
> The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
> said 'How
> should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman
> wanting
> to know if the coast is clear.'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> footpath and
> leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
> 'Hmm, this
> person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the
> first
> blonde hands her the compact.
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
> buys a gun.
> She goes to his house unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds
> him in the
> arms of a redhead.
> Well, the blonde is really angry.
> She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
> overcome with
> grief.
> She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Victoria ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: V.'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> FIFTH DEGREE
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> 'Is it mine?'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
> and burgled.
> She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
> The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
> patrolling
> nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde ran out
> on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down
> on the
> steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
> possessions
> stolen.
> I call the police for help, and what do they do?
> They send me a BLIND policeman.'
Roll Eyes

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Reply #401 - Jul 31^st, 2008 at 4:25pm

Kingwilly Offline
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MAKE IT HAPPEN CAMPING
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A major drunk in the bar, gets up and stumbles
off to the washroom.

A few minutes later, a loud blood curdling scream
is heard.
Another few minutes passes and another loud
scream is heard throughout the bar.
The Bartender goes to investigate

'What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every
time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes my genitals.

With that, the Bartender opens the door, looks
in and says.....

'You Idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

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Reply #402 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 1:20pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Wife Control - just 4 the Ladies... Wink

There were three blokes talking in the pub.

Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two blokes were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

Grrr!!!

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #403 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 1:24pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage.
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Grrr!!! Cheesy

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #404 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 3:50pm

theyoungfella Offline
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If it ain't broke, fix
it till it is.
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
Tongue

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Reply #405 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 4:48pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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That is so awwwfullll HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!]

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #406 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 4:50pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bloody way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .

Grrr!!! Sad

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #407 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 4:52pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

Grrr!!! Lips Sealed

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #408 - Aug 1^st, 2008 at 7:03pm

skiproosel Offline
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I COULD KILL HER SOME DAYS

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Cry

Skip

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Reply #409 - Aug 2^nd, 2008 at 2:19am

Duncan MacDuff Offline
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, USA, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -! - ! Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding! pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I relieved on myself when I gassed again and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my backside with a snow cone!

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report

In Service,
Duncan

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