Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #420 - Aug 7^th, 2008 at 7:43pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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For those who wish to have a glass of wine and those who don't...this is something to think about.

Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is freedom. In water there are bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of shi*.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Shi*, Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Regards The CD...

Grrr!!!

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #421 - Aug 7^th, 2008 at 8:59pm

Troyk Offline
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Gee Crazy how bad is the water in Cairns! Smiley

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Reply #422 - Aug 8^th, 2008 at 7:00am

Carolyn™ Offline
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'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?

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Reply #423 - Aug 8^th, 2008 at 7:04am

Carolyn™ Offline
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FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
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BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

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Reply #424 - Aug 8^th, 2008 at 1:06pm

Robbo Offline
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d id for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #425 - Aug 8^th, 2008 at 2:35pm

Carolyn™ Offline
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there & be hungry, Come on in & get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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Reply #426 - Aug 8^th, 2008 at 7:54pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a
position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally,
we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're
afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,
he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows
the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good,
but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our
employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Grrr!!! Roll Eyes

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #427 - Aug 9^th, 2008 at 2:41pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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What happens when ya past 60....

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a longtime wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at The end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and Stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of Planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt , black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #428 - Aug 10^th, 2008 at 6:16pm

skiproosel Offline
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Don't Mess with the Fairer Sex

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'

All the best
Skip Smiley

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Reply #429 - Aug 10^th, 2008 at 7:57pm

skiproosel Offline
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The Science of Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Smiley

Regards Skip Smiley

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