Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #480 - Aug 25^th, 2008 at 8:10am

Robbo Offline
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wazza5262 wrote on Aug 24^th, 2008 at 9:00pm:

Racists and Lightbulbs

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None -- they don't want to be enlightened
CHEERS WAZZA

I'm not racist....I hate every race equally.
Now where is that light switch? LOL

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #481 - Aug 25^th, 2008 at 7:12pm

skiproosel Offline
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Sex Frogs

A blond goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet . As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

All the best
Skip Smiley

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Reply #482 - Aug 26^th, 2008 at 5:42pm

skiproosel Offline
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The Lone Ranger

Hi Ho Silver ,

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said 'Who owns the big white horse outside?

'The Lone Ranger said, 'I do, Why?'

The cowboy said, 'I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!'

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, 'I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down'

Tonto said, 'Sure, Kemosabe' and begins running
circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, 'Who owns that big white horse out side?'The Lone Ranger stands and claims, 'I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,..! .

'Nothing,' but you left your Injun running

All the best
Skip Smiley

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Reply #483 - Aug 26^th, 2008 at 5:46pm

skiproosel Offline
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Keith was that you?

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

All the best Smiley

Skip

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Reply #484 - Aug 26^th, 2008 at 5:48pm

skiproosel Offline
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What was that Sir:

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.

After a minute:-

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence.

A minute later:-

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:-

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.'

Have a nice day Smiley

Skip

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Reply #485 - Aug 27^th, 2008 at 6:59am

skiproosel Offline
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SCOTTY

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall holding

hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat

silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for

your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The

girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then

he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your

thoughts, Angus."

"Well uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the

loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,

Angus."

"Well uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time you let me

pewt ma hand on yer leg" The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her

knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over

the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,

Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well noo, me

thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye" said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,

and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said,

"Did ye' na think it's aboot time ye paid me the first 3 pennies?"

All the best
Skip

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Reply #486 - Aug 27^th, 2008 at 7:02am

skiproosel Offline
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Why Didn't you Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your thingy is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN Smiley

Have a nice day
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Reply #487 - Aug 27^th, 2008 at 7:50pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Just love life.....
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of whic h way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Settle down girls it was only a joke.... Grin

Grrr!!!

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #488 - Aug 28^th, 2008 at 2:41pm

willy Offline
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Two for the fellas

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

...........................................

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Willy

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Reply #489 - Aug 28^th, 2008 at 3:37pm

TBF Offline
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Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough,

as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and

told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count

to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going

to help me with my problem.

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker

and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania .

Aart

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