Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #500 - Aug 31^st, 2008 at 6:22pm

skiproosel Offline
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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell ring. But, much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a
grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said: 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: ' Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

All the best
Skip Smiley

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Reply #501 - Aug 31^st, 2008 at 6:28pm

skiproosel Offline
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I didn't mean that

Funny and TRUE Too!
--------
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
------------ --------- -------------

Have a nice week everyone
Regards Skip Smiley

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Reply #502 - Aug 31^st, 2008 at 9:34pm

Little_Kopit Offline
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This was sent to me with the suggestion that I post here. It's not especially my kind of humour. Feel quite free to shoot me:

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?

''Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. ' Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English -they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Cool

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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Reply #503 - Aug 31^st, 2008 at 9:39pm

skiproosel Offline
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He He He , they could come to Aussie or NZ, LK or India for that matter. very good though

Skip

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Reply #504 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:08pm

Derek Offline
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Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two pots of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two pots of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

Retired
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Reply #505 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:11pm

Derek Offline
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm
and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water
allocation.
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed
to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running
for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining
with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer
immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!

Retired
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Reply #506 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:18pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Just love life.....
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I'll probably get shot 4 this but here goes:

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #507 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:21pm

Derek Offline
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for the aged pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my claim

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten the disability pension as well'

And then the fight started..... Huh

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Reply #508 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:28pm

Derek Offline
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At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"

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Reply #509 - Sep 2^nd, 2008 at 7:33pm

Derek Offline
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Praise the lord for Grandma

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Retired
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