These are corny, but I am posting anyhow.

1.      A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.

2.      Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other & says, 'Dam!'

3.      Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly & lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4.      Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5.      Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a pain killer during a root canal? His goal was transcend dental medication.

6.      A group of chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby was discussing recent tournament victories.  After an hour the manager asked them to disperse. “Why?” they asked.  'Because I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7.      A woman arranges adoption for her new twins.  One goes to a family in Egypt who name him Ahmal & the other to a family in Spain who name him Juan. Juan later sends a picture of himself to his birth mother who tells her husband she’d love a similar picture of Ahmal.  The husband says 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8.      A monastery of friars was in arrears on belfry payments & opened a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist protests they have an unfair advantage being men of God.  When they refused to close down he hired Hugh MacTaggart the towns roughest & most vicious thug to beat them up, trash their store and shut it down, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.      Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot & had impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10.  A person sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Aart

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
Pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
About yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
Your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do Just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with
A regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent You from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
Discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are Pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine however women who Wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
Erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
Money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
Headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering
When you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over
And over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
  to the local church for confession.
 
  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
  'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
  Neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
  Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
 
  The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
  need to confess that.'
 
  'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
  favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
  Sundays.'
 
  The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
  Placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
  Circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
  You are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
 
  'Thank you,  Father. That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more
  Question.'
 
  'And what is that?' asked the priest.
 
  'Should I tell her the war is over?'' 

man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.



Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.



The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.



Well, he said, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.



The little girl screams to her brother … “Don’t eat it, it's an a***hole!”



Regards Skip

Getting Older



  An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of th at flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remembe r that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis   

All the best
Skip