Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #520 - Sep 10^th, 2008 at 1:31pm

skiproosel Offline
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WISDOM OF THE IRISH

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma..

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl!

The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately..

Your brother came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother! He's a bloody clueless ignoramus!'

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise,' says the doctor. The new mother is totally relieved.

'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother.. I like Denise.'

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew'.

Have a nice day
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Reply #521 - Sep 11^th, 2008 at 2:07pm

skiproosel Offline
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The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, "I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS."

All the best Smiley

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Reply #522 - Sep 11^th, 2008 at 8:12pm

LogFire Offline
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a very large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.' '
Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
LogFire

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.

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Reply #523 - Sep 11^th, 2008 at 9:11pm

skiproosel Offline
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Repeat--not sure

It was April, and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Have a nice day Smiley

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Reply #524 - Sep 12^th, 2008 at 12:26am

Robbo Offline
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Q. How do you tell the sex of a lettuce?

A. The boys are the ones with slugs on them.

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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Reply #525 - Sep 14^th, 2008 at 11:19am

poddy dodger Offline
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Big Bad Bill comes into his favoutite watering hole looking like he's been hit by a road train.
One arm in a sling, broken nose and cuts and bruises all over, he limps up to the bar and Paul the barman says, "Sh*t what happened to you ?"
"Aaahh, me and Andy Roberts had a fight".
"But he's only a little fella, he couldn't do that to you, he must'a had something in his hand, " says Paul.
"Yes he did, he had a shovel and boy did he give me a terrible hiding."
Paul the barman says," Well you should've defended yourself, didn't you have something in yer hand ?"
Oh, yes I did", says Barry, " I had Mrs Roberts right breast in me hand, a thing of beauty it is but bloody useless in a fight".

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #526 - Sep 14^th, 2008 at 2:55pm

skiproosel Offline
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Shower Time

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower..
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Have a great week
Regards Skip Smiley

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Reply #527 - Sep 15^th, 2008 at 9:34pm

skiproosel Offline
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Donald & Daisy Duck No Less

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No..'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk', she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'

have a nice day
Skip Smiley

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Reply #528 - Sep 15^th, 2008 at 11:47pm

TBF Offline
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I

got most of them back in.'

Aart

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Reply #529 - Sep 16^th, 2008 at 5:42am

Robbo Offline
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COCIA....its a sickness
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So Big RT, did Hetty laugh when you told her that?

Robbo

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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