MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,
WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY
DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GREY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???

All the best
Skip

Bloke goes home to his missus after having a few beers at the local and says
"The blokes down the pub recon that the local milkman has had sex with every woman in this street except for one"
his missus looks at him and says  

"IT MUST BE THAT STUCK UP HAG  IN SEVEN"

Tap on the shoulder.......



A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
Hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
Plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the

still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't

realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

MILITARY RETIREMENT BONUS



The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who
Volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured
in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got
to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a  non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my willy to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the  previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and  instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's willy and  began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where  are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam." 

Have a nice day
Skip

Two lettuce laying on the beach under a beach umbrella
Another lettuce walks by.
One of the lettuce under the umbrella looks at the other and remarks
"Strewth look at the slug on him."

All the best
Skip