Now that's one Cheeky Cat

'Frankly, I can't see
  the resemblance. ...'



Regards Skip

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I cant be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I cant find a No. 91'

'Oh Paddy, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout 

Aart

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven..

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
Duck.


P.S.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is in return for letting me, Robin Hood pass on the Sermon Lessions 

Sword Me

Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.


All the best
Skip

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Women inspire us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous