Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #680 - Nov 19^th, 2008 at 9:20pm

skiproosel Offline
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CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam
In a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started
Up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the
Whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
Breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
Transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in
Silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
Seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
Jam and sell it to Australia .

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian
Leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms
Once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
Them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do
You think it's called Wrigley's?'

All the best
Skip

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Reply #681 - Nov 20^th, 2008 at 11:24am

Stew Offline
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Cheesy

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Reply #682 - Nov 20^th, 2008 at 8:58pm

Baldrum Offline
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears
"Ribbit 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" and realises it's the frog speaking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He's really shocked and turns to the frog "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog"
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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Reply #683 - Nov 21^st, 2008 at 8:27pm

OzJeeper Offline
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food!
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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business. About two years later, I was on holidays and going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work!"

Cool

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

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Reply #684 - Nov 22^nd, 2008 at 10:15pm

Baldrum Offline
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him is a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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Reply #685 - Nov 23^rd, 2008 at 3:15am

Little_Kopit Offline
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Bad Translations

Dry cleaners in Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Arctic River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a sign in Japan: Do not lean on gate for it occurs you Trouble.

On a poster at Fight Illiteracy: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel brochure in Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Tokyo Hotel: IS FORBITTEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

In another Japanese hotel room: PLEASE TO BATHE INSIDE THE TUB.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

In a Paris hotel elevator: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

In a hotel in Athens: VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 A.M. DAILY.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In a Japanese hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: LADIES MAY HAVE A FIT UPSTAIRS.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

From the Soviet Weekly: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

In a Vienna hotel: In CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.

In a Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: TO STOP THE DRIP, TURN COCK TO RIGHT.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: STOP: DRIVE SIDEWAYS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

In the office of a Romanian doctor: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In an Acapulco hotel: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ENGLISH WELL TALKING. HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.

Shocked

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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Reply #686 - Nov 23^rd, 2008 at 9:29am

Stew Offline
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Bad day Camping? No such
thing....
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One for Sunday....

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Stew....

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Reply #687 - Nov 23^rd, 2008 at 6:53pm

Carolyn™ Offline
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FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )

***************************

OMG

The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd put in a dirty joke, did you?

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Reply #688 - Nov 23^rd, 2008 at 10:31pm

Baldrum Offline
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Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self -raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy. Roll Eyes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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Reply #689 - Nov 24^th, 2008 at 6:17am

Little_Kopit Offline
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Cowboy Chili

A young cowboy walks into 'The Oak' in San Angelo , TX
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'"

Cool

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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