Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #700 - Dec 2^nd, 2008 at 2:57pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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How tough are Australians when cooking in a camp oven?

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland,the latter two
of course embroiled in the false bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there
es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale,
who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with
my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head
off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today'

Bruce the Australian, not know for his outspoken manner, remained
silent, slowly poking the fire with his willie.

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #701 - Dec 2^nd, 2008 at 4:29pm

Mackerel Whisperer Offline
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lina is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lina surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lina .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Reply #702 - Dec 3^rd, 2008 at 5:19pm

TBF Offline
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CROCODILE SHOES

> A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperatelywanted
> to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was veryreluctant to pay
> the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated
>
> with the "no haggle on prices" attitude ofthe shopkeepers, the blonde
> shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go outand catch my own crocodile, so I
> can get a pair of shoes for free!"The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing
> smile, "Little lady, just go andgive it a try"!The blonde headed out toward
> the river, determined to catch a crocodile!Later in the day, as the
> shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to theside of the bank where he
> spots the same young woman standing waist deepin the murky water, shotgun in
>
> hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metrecroc swimming rapidly toward her.
> With lightning speed, she takes aim,kills the creature and hauls it onto the
>
> slimy banks of the river.Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all
>
> on their backs. Theshopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
> amazement.The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back. Rolling
> her eyesheavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out. ...
> "SH*T,SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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Reply #703 - Dec 4^th, 2008 at 12:36pm

Bird in the Bush Offline
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Wherever you go ... there
you are
Joined: Oct 6^th, 2008 at 11:53am
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Perth W.A., Western Australia, Australia

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to
Come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle,
telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'
They stopped that sh*t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
__._,_.___ Grin

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Reply #704 - Dec 8^th, 2008 at 9:12pm

Derek Offline
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The "Camp Oven Cook"
Joined: Nov 10^th, 2003 at 2:00pm
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Bob and a Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money... Grin

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #705 - Dec 8^th, 2008 at 9:14pm

Derek Offline
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Satan's Visit

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in
the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went
to the local church. Before the service started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of
the congregation. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil-incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the
man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for over 48 years."

Grin

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #706 - Dec 8^th, 2008 at 9:28pm

Derek Offline
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I saw this sticker on the back of a Landcriser.

HELP
DAD FARTED AND
I CAN'T GET OUT

Retired
Camp Oven Cook

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Reply #707 - Dec 9^th, 2008 at 10:56pm

The Tree Guy Offline
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I Love Trees & Food.
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St Peter.

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling
to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in
a
white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing
in my
bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are
in heaven."

"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too

young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or
a
hen. You can choose on your own"

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too
tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as
a
hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken
run,
really nicely feathered.
But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along
came
the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it
feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you
never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you
can."

Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and
an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's
sake!!!
Wake up ...
you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"
__________________

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Reply #708 - Dec 10^th, 2008 at 3:35am

Little_Kopit Offline
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Having a Bad Day

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad �Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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Reply #709 - Dec 10^th, 2008 at 6:43pm

The Tree Guy Offline
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I Love Trees & Food.
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new ute.

'Is that so! '...With an attitude he asked 'And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!

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