Over the years I have collected a number of "signatures" that appealed to my sense of humour (love the last one).
There are loads more lurking on my computer - I just have to find them, meanwhile here are the appertisers:

Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well

I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.

I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "the whole time."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

My mind has always been my Achilles heel.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.

The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.

When people deserve your love and support the least, that is when they need it the most.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

When someone says, 'do you want my opinion?' - have you noticed that it's always a negative one.

When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.

When you're in up over your head, the first thing to do is close your mouth.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.

Indecision is the key to flexibility

Two things that are essential to life is WD 40 and duct tape. If it moves and it isn't supposed to use the duct tape. If it doesn't move and it's supposed to use the WD 40

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends

Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap music.

In rap music, the 'c' is silent

Rock and roll doesn't create psychos, it helps psychos be more creative.

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

The secret to patience is do something else in the meantime.

In two short days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Do it now.

No trees were harmed in the posting of this message, but a few electrons were mildly inconvenienced

I can never get over the fact that - now that I'm a lot older - and I know everything - the problem now is that I can't remember most of it!?

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you." (Jeremy Clarkson - Top Gear)

Hey skip, welcome back. We were starting to get worried

On the Worksite

An Italian, an Irishman a Chinese man are hired to work on a
construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge
pile of sand, says to the Italian,' You're in charge of sweeping.'



To the Irishman he says,' You're in charge of shoveling.'

To the Chinese man he says, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He tells them that he has to go somewhere and when he returns 2 hours

later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.

'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' he asks the Italian.

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, 'I no gotta
broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da
supplies but he disappear I no finda him.'


The foreman then turns to the Irishman asks why he didn't shovel.
'Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in
charge of supplies but I couldna find him.'

The foreman is furious storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He
can't find him anywhere is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the
Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand yells,







'SUPPLIES !'

Have a great day
Skip

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough'.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Exellent Baldrum