LET HIM DIG

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had the bast@#% buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

All the best
Skip

In the beginning god created day and night. He created day for football matches, going to the beach

And BBQ's


He created night for going prawning,sleeping

And BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, -swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt
And yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
And crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,
And God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the rugby tests, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the rugby, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...
Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET 'YA KNOW

A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.



To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!

Regards Skip

Gynaecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'


'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'


'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.


'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'


'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place.'   

Good one.....

Grrr!!!

THAT'S LIFE

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

0D But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Regards Skip